The Story of Squid
by MotherGoddessOfChickens
Summary: Alania Walker gets busted for breaking in and entering. As a girl, she gets one option: prison, a place she'll never go back. But as a boy, she gets the option of Camp Green Lake. She assumes the identity of Alan, who we know as Squid.
1. Welcome to Camp

According to Camp Green Lake, if you take a bad-boy and make him dig holes all day, it will make him a good boy. So what would it do to a girl? Toughen her up? Nothing? Turn her into a boy? Seeing as the place is an all-boys facility, they don't have to answer that particular question. So I guess I'll have to answer it myself.

Call me Alan, I guess.

It's amazing really how much length of hair determines your gender. Long, flowly, auburn hair down; a cute girl. Hair tucked up into a bright orange hat; average boy. I think it has something to do with the shadows that hair cast, but hey, I'm no hair expert. I should just be thankful that putting up my hair and shaping my body with extra fabric allow people to see Alan instead of Alania.

You're probably really confused, I would be. My real name is Alania Walker, a seventeen year old girl from Boise who committed a little crime. A crime that landed me in Camp Green Lake, where there is no lake or anything green for that matter. Now I bet you're asking how did a girl get into an all _boy_ facility. Easy, I fooled the government. It wasn't really that difficult; I just took two letters from my first name and bubbled in the circle for 'boy'.

Another question you might ask-why the hell would I chose to go to Camp Green Lake? Well, as a girl, I only had one option-prison-and there's no way I'm ever going back there, not after what happened. A boy gets two choices, sexist, I tell you. He can choose either prison or this camp. Basically, I turned myself into a boy before the cops showed up at my front door.

My sister wasn't really okay with it. Her name is Suzy, the girliest name out there behind 'Lucy', in my opinion. She's twenty-four, and my legal guardian since my dad got arrested a few years ago. Like father, like _son_ (Ha-ha-get it?). But she knew my dilemma, I couldn't go back to prison, and so she agreed to sign to send her little brother to Camp Green Lake.

So here I am now, sitting on a dusty bus with two grumpy dudes. One holds a shotgun, as if I'm going to try to jump off the bus or attack him. I think he's asleep until he aims the gun at me when I reach inside my bag.

"Chill dude." I say in a sarcastic voice as I pull out a stick of gum. "If I offer ya a piece, will ya not shoot me?"

He mutters something and lowers the gun. I glance at the windows behind him, hoping to see at least something, but all I see is dirt and more holes than I can count. The air in the bus is thick with heat and hard to breath. The only window that opened on the bus to allow some circulation was up by the driver.

I begin to see the dirt flying up from smaller holes. Heads covered thick with dirt pop up to find the source of the noise. They watch the bus drive by; maybe hoping it'll be taking one of them home. Buildings appear in the distance, and I know the camp is close. We pull into the main camp which consisted of tents and a couple buildings. The guard grabs me by the arm and yanks me out.

Boys stare at me. Is it because they can see through the hat and body shapers? Or is it just because I'm the new kid? Some of the boys are still covered in thick dirt, them heading for the smallest building with towels and a folded orange jumpsuit. The cleaner boys either headed for one of the tents or a bigger cabin. I don't have time to figure out what's in those buildings, though, because the guard grips my arm hard and pulls me into another building.

A puff of smoke hits my face the second I step in. A man with a tight face sits at the desk and pulls a cigarette out of his mouth and stares at me.

"You must be Alan." He says as if he's been waiting for me. "I am Mr. Sir. When you talk to me, you will address me as Mr. Sir when you speak to me, do you understand?"

"Yeah." I respond, a little amused by his stupid name.

"Yeah,_who_?" Mr. Sir says angrily.

"Yes, _Mr. Sir_." I spit out, rather annoyed. He sits quiet for a moment and takes another drag from his cigarette.

"You thirsty, Alan?"

"I guess."

"Well get used to it, you're gonna be thirsty for the next eighteen months." Mr. Sir laughs as he pulls out three cans of pop from a little fridge behind him. He expects me to reach for it when he hands out it to the driver, but I don't. I know he probably does and says the same things to each kid that comes. It's probably all he gets to do.

Mr. Sir dismisses the driver and guard as he leads me to a small building behind his little cabin. It's full of orange jumpsuits, t-shirts, boots, and other supplies. Snatching my backpack out of my hands, he shifts through it and examines everything in there. He sees a comb, some boxers, a pack of paper, and a pen. I'm thankful when he doesn't check the little secret area that's barley visible. It contains a few items that'd look odd for a boy to carry around; a few bras and a shit ton of tampons.

Nodding, he tosses the bag back to me and heads over the shelves full of supplies. He throws two orange jumpsuits, a white t-shirt, black boots, a hat with a rag like thing attacheted the back, and a canteen at my feet.

"Change." He demands. _Crap_. I might get away with having the wrap around my chest, but what about the odd metal things that hide the girly curves and make me look like I have a boyish box shape? To my luck, someone calls out, saying it's an emergency. He waddles out with an odd limp as I change as quickly as I can. I am dressed in the jumpsuit when he returns, sticking a gun back into his pocket.

"Yella-spotted lizard." Never heard of them. "Now, you have two sets of clothes. One will be for working and one for relaxation. Every three days, we do laundry. Your work clothes get washed and your relaxation clothes become your work clothes, understand?"

"Yes, Mr. Sir." I keep my voice low and husky.

"Let me show you around." When we step outside, Mr. Sir drops his cigarette to the ground without stepping on it. There was nothing flammable anyways. The dirt on the ground was so tightly packed it felt like walking on cement. "There's the showers, the rec room," He points to each. "The warden's cabin. The number one rule of Camp Green Lake, _don't_ upset the Warden." His warning was sincere. "Ah, Pendaski! I've been doin' your job for you, showing this kid around."

A small man approaches, with a big friendly smile.

"Thank you! It gives me more time to introduce Alan into his tent mates!" Mr. Pendaski pipes as Mr. Sir bitterly staggers off pulling another cigarette out. I wonder how this creepy little dude already knows my name. What, was he waiting for me?

"Come on, now. You'll be assigned to Tent D. You seen all these tents? Each has seven boys. And you'll be the seventh boy in your tent!" He says this with too much enthuasim. This statement is incorrect; I will be the first girl. I smile to myself.

We step inside the tent, which contains six boys. The all stare up at me with curious eyes. I mentally try to shield myself. I am a boy, I am a boy, I am a boy...

"Hello boys! This is your new tent mate, Alan!" They just stare at me. "This is Rex-"

"It's X-Ray." The darkest boy with dirt covered glasses interrupts, but Mr. Pendaski ignores him.

"Theodore-"

"Armpit." The biggest one says.

"Ricky-"

"Zigzag." He has a huge mane of frizzy, wild, blonde hair and large blue eyes.

"Greg-"

"Haystack." This boy is significantly younger. These boys all look between sixteen and eighteen; Haystack looks only fourteen, but seems just as tough as the rest.

"Lewis-"

"Barf Bag." An average boy answered. Who would be proud of a name like that?

"They all have their little nicknames. And that's Zero." This boy, unlike the others, didn't try to correct Mr. Pendaski. He was small like Haystack, but he seemed much softer. He lay in his cot silently and stared up, as if nothing was going on around him. I didn't know whether his name was actually Zero or he was just the only boy Mr. P called by his nickname, but I didn't say anything.

Mr. Pendaski pointed at the cleanest looking cot and told me it would be mine. Zigzag mentioned how he was glad Daniel was gone. I assumed that no one liked him, seeing as he didn't have a nickname by the time he left. Mr. P leads me to an empty crate stacked on top another and shoves my bag inside it. He tells me what time I'll be waking up tommorrow-5:30 in the freaking morning. Great. He leaves after telling me dinner will be soon.

"So-Alan, what'd you get busted for?" Barf Bag asks.

"Breaking into this seafood place." I make sure my voice is even huskier. The boys all laugh with smiles. I can't tell whether they're laughing at me or at what I did.

"Really? Why?" Armpit laughs.

"I donno, why not?" This was an honest answer. I had a pin in my hair, just read how to pick locks, and tried it on the first good-looking building. It worked and the door popped open after a few minutes. And then the alarm sounded. I ran for my life, I ran home and was locked in my room before the police even showed up at sea-food place. I know they'd get some witnesses or cameras to see who had broken in. I luckily already had my hair tucked into the hat and a baggy shirt on. Someone who only caught a glimpse of me or the distorted image camera could easily assume I was a boy.


	2. Dig It Up

All the D-Tent boys sit at the same table. They call me over when I exit the line with a disgusting blob of brown stuff on my tray. X-Ray sits at the head of the table, with Armpit and Haystack at his sides. I sit in between Haystack and Zigzag, Barfbag across from me. Zero sits at the far end of the table, alone and just pushing his food around.

"One more month for me guys, than I am a free man." Haystack announces as he shoves a spoonful of the unidentified glump in his mouth.

"You been keepin' count?" Armpit laughed.

"I've been keepin' track of the holes I've dug. Thirty days to a month, I'm in here for sixteen months, that's about four-hundred and eighty holes. I've dug four-hundred and forty-eight." I am surprised at his math ability. Then I remember he's had fifteen months to figure that out.

"That's a lot of holes, man." X-Ray "But I've dug more."

"Yeah, how long you been here?" Barfbag asked.

"Sixteen months, not that much longer. I still got quite a few to go."

"That's a long amount of time for something as little as you did." Zigzag added his eyes as large and blue as they were back in the tent. I almost ask what X-Ray did, but I feel like it's something I shouldn't ask until I gain a little respect. The boys don't talk to me as they eat, too caught up in the conversation that I'm completely lost in. They're talking about The-Amazing-Cloud-We-Saw-Today.

I received a shower token along with my clothes. All of boys, minus Armpit who never showered, got one shower a day. I decide to take mine in the dead of night so no one will see me. All the boys except for Zigzag and Zero go to the rec room to play pool and hang out until they feel like going to bed. I meet the other two boys into our tent. Zero lays and says nothing while Zigzag draws on the floors with a pencil. He draws holes.

I ponder whether or not to write my sister, deciding against it as I sit down. I'll write to after a few days and I can give her some real news. My stomach growls, I didn't eat a bite of that stuff. I also was served a piece of bread, which was soaked in brown juice, and a carton of orange juice. The orange juice was the only decent tasting thing; it was really pulpy, though.

The others boys start to enter the tent around sunset. I have no idea what time it is, there wasn't a clock in sight, but I assumed it was around eight, and I wasn't tired at all. But all the boys collapsed and in a few minutes started snoring. I knew I wouldn't be sleeping, so I just sat in bed and examined the odd ways they slept.

Zigzag slept completely straight, like a log. It makes me wonder how he actually got his nickname. Haystack is the weirdest. He sleeps sitting up with his arms hanging over his head. Armpit snores incredibly loud and practically hangs off the side of his cot. I sneak out of the tent to shower now, thank god for the lack of guards and towers. I get away with showering-if you call jumping in and out of a cold shower for a few minutes until the water shut off.

By the time I'm falling asleep; I'm being woken up and forced awake. I wait for all the boys to switch clothes and leave before I do it myself. I tighten the wrap around my chest and re-position the metal curves that dip down into my curves and give me a fake boxy shape. I retuck my hair and allow a single strand to fall so I don't look completely bald.

I do this quickly and catch up with the boys as they head to the dining hall for breakfast. It's some sort of very soggy cereal that I take a few bites of to satisfy my roaring hunger. I then push it away and Barf Bag asks if he can have it. I nod and begin to follow Zigzag, who's finished, out of the dining hall.

"So-where do we go next?" I ask.

"Shovel shed." He says as he yawns. "So how many months you got here?"

"Fourteen, you?"

"That's how many I got left." We approach the end of a long line leading to a shed full of shovels. I can see the boys in front of them avoiding a particular shovel. I wonder if it's defective. The other D-Tent boys line up behind us. Mr. Sir is standing by the open door with a cigarette behind his ear and one is his mouth.

"Chose your weapon." He coughs as I approach. I avoid the shovel everyone else did, there must be a reason. I grab one and begin to walk with the other boys and I have no idea where. There are so many holes I'm surprised the entire lake just hasn't collapsed into itself yet.

Mr. Sir meets us out at the random spot we're supposed to dig. He explains the dimensions of my hole and how I will measure with my shovel. Mr. Sir tells me if I find interesting to report it and if the Warden likes it I'll get the day off. When I ask what I'm looking for, he says nothing. I'm building character. He explains the water truck will come every once and while, and then he leaves. Luckily, for a girl, I'm pretty strong. I locate a crack in the hard cement-like dirt and wedge my shovel inside before jumping on it. I scoop up a small amount of dirt and fling it far away from my hole.

The sun begins to rise. I thought it was already hot before the sun rose, at least eighty degrees. The sun added at least ten more degrees. And they said we were avoiding the hottest part of the day? I wonder how hot it gets. I wonder if I'll have to find out the hard way because I dig too slowly.

When the water truck is on its way, everyone hops up out of their holes. I compare my progress to everyone else's. It's slightly smaller than average, but I don't think I'll be that much behind. I actually had done a little construction work last summer when I was sixteen. I had a little bit of muscle, but my calluses from that had gone, causing burning blisters to form. I tried to ignore them.

It was odd for a moment when I watched the boys' line up. Although Zero got to the line first, he stood a good distance away. They formed a lined in a particular order, no matter who got there first. X-Ray, then Armpit, Zigzag, Haystack, Barfbag, and Zero was last. I take my place at the end of the line.

Mr. Pendaski fills up my canteen and asks me how I'm doing.

"Decent." I huff, wiping sweat from my brow. I noticed X-ray had taken off his jumpsuit down to his waist where it was tied in place, so he only wore his white t-shirt. Zigzag did the same, except he took off the white shirt and used it as a neck and shoulder guard from the sun. I admire him for a moment; the muscles were very well defined from all the digging.

I catch myself and look back down to my hole. I am a straight boy, not a lusty girl. I continue to dig as the sun rises. I have never sweated more in my life, I'm drenched. I wish I was a real boy so I could take off my shirt like Zigzag or X-Ray. The only thing the extra fabric did was protect my skin from the harsh sun. I now understood what the stupid little rag was for on the back of our hats.

My hands burns as the raw skin of my blisters rub against the wooden handle. I make sure to throw the dirt as far away as possible, knowing that I'm going to have to dig outwards eventually. The water truck comes back out, this time with sack lunches that they pass out as they fill our canteens. It's some sort of weird sandwich and a cookie. I just eat the cookie after I realize the sandwich is inedible.

Barf Bag laughs when he sees me toss the sandwich into my dirt pile. "You're gonna have to eat something sooner or later."

"Yeah." Zigzag adds. "You can't wait for something tasty to come along, it ain't gonna happen."

"You'll get used to it." Haystack laughs.

I keep digging. I just wanna go lay down. I'm all hot and sweaty, tired, and my hands sting. I dig for a while more and empty my canteen when I see the water truck coming in the distance. I wonder how long I've been digging. All I know is that I feel like I've barley made a dent in the Earth. I'm surprised when the hole is as deep as my shovel in the middle.

How does this build character?

Zero walks by me. I glance over and see his hole is done.

"He's already done?" I exclaim.

"Zero's the fastest digger." Haystack answers.

"He's one weird dude." Zigzag says in his low voice as he continues to dig. Armpit leaves about thirty minutes later, spitting in his hole before he heads back just like Zero had done. X-Ray soon follows then Haystack, Zigzag, Barf Bag, and finally me ten minutes after Barf Bag.

I spit in my hole out of instinct. Must be a Camp Green Lake prisoner thing.


	3. Ribs

I can't take a shower during daylight, people will see me, but I feel so dirty and gross. I find a water spout by the showers and wash off my face and hands for now. I change and then head to the rec room, I assume it's where everyone else is. My hands are still burning, but not as bad since I washed the blisters out. How long until they become calluses?

The rec room isn't as hot as it is outside. A few fans are running in the corners where most of the boys are crowded. There's a TV, radio, a few tables and couches, and pool table. Everything is busted. Zigzag sits in front of the TV and shoos people out of the way when they stand in front of the blank screen. And he called Zero a weird dude?

I see the D-Tent boys playing pool. Someone had put rocks under it so it didn't wobble, and they just ignored the scratched up surface, years and years of 'campers' had left their mark on the green fabric.

"Yo, how was your first hole?" Armpit asks as I collapse onto an arm chair. I just hold up my blistered hands in response. "First holes always the hardest."

"No way man, second hole." Zigzag suddenly adds, leaving the TV to come sit over by the D-Tent boys.

The second hole was harder. I'm already sore from digging my first hole and my hands are already split open. I'm also hungrier, still not eating much of the food that wasn't really food. To distract myself, I do a girl thing. I make a list of the guys, the most attractive to the least attractive. It's just something girls like to do when surrounded by a group of guys.

Zigzag is defiantly first. He maybe be a little odd, both personality wise and appearance, but I think his weirdness is attractive. Next comes X-Ray, he's cute I guess, then Barf Bag, Zero, Haystack, and Armpit. Even though Zero and Haystack and much younger than me, I still can't put Armpit above him, he just smells too bad.

Making a list doesn't help. It doesn't soothe my muscles or cover the hot sun.

I get along great with X-Ray, Armpit, and Zigzag. It's like having friends, something I never had at home. Kids just didn't like me; I was too 'bad'. Around here, I'm just me. All of us have done something wrong but no one cares and we can actually just be friends based on who we are.

Zero doesn't talk. Haystack just annoys me with his constant bragging about how he's gonna get out of here soon. As for Barf Bag, he just grows quieter and quieter.

After I dig my eighth hole, I finally feel some respect.

The water truck approaches for the second time, with lunches. I've learned to at least eat the lunches, I needed to keep some meat on my bones otherwise my figure wouldn't be thick enough for a boy; I was already skinny as it was.

I take my place behind Zero.

"Move back Zero, let Squid up." X-Ray pushes Zero behind me. Squid? Am I Squid? X-Ray looks at me and nods as if I said it out loud. I give Zero a weak smile and step up in line. I get a nickname and I move up in line? Pretty good day. But _Squid_? Are they referring to the reason I was in this place? I broke into a seafood place-that serves squid. Well, better than Barf Bag.

"Remember boys, a little group session tonight at seven. Everyone has to come, got it?" Mr. Pendaski announces as he fills Zero's canteen.

"Got it, Mom!" X-Ray yells, jumping back down into his hole.

I've become a faster digger already. I finish sooner than both Barf Bag and Haystack. I think it's because my calluses have already formed and I can hold the shovel with much more ease and strength then I could before. It got harder before it got easier.

"Squid!" X-Ray yells. I turn to see him standing right where I threw the dirt a few moments ago.

"Why are you standing there?" I ask.

"I had to tell you something." He kneels down. "If you ever find something, give it to me."

"Why?"

"Because I've been here the longest and never found anything. Nobody has. So why should you get a day off if you just got here?" I understand what he's saying, but it sounds weak to me. If you want to find something so bad, find it yourself. I ponder saying this, but it may cost me my spot in line.

"I guess. But I probably won't find anything." I toss another shovel full of dirt out. A trickle of sweat runs down my dirt-covered face. It's already too hot out, and my mouth is already dry.

"No one does." X-Ray laughs before he heads back to his hole. I don't entirely understand why X-Ray is the 'leader' of the D-Tent boys. Both Armpit and Zigzag are bigger than him. Hell, I'm bigger than him. So he's been here the longest, doesn't mean he's the strongest or most fit leader. But I suppose he's managed his way to the top of the Camp Green Lake social ladder, so he deserves it, I guess.

After I finish my hole and spit in it, I clean up and head to the Rec Room like everyone else. Zigzag invites me into a game of pool with him. I break and get a striped ball in, but miss my second shot and accidently shoot the white ball in.

"Shit." I say in my girl voice without thinking. My insides panic. Did anyone hear me and comprehend the higher pitched voice? "Shit." I repeat in my husky voice. My eyes wander to Zigzag, who gives me an odd look, either because I just said shit twice or he noticed my voice change. He shakes his head and returns to the game.

Haystack and Barf Bag enter the Rec Room not too long after and join our game. I notice Barf Bag's pained face, emotional pain, not physical.

"You okay, double B?" I ask quietly as Haystack shoots.

"I'm just tired of digging. I-" He stops for a moment, but then continues. "I miss my mom." His voice is barely audible. No one wants to admit that they miss their mom in this camp. But I don't judge him. I miss my mom, too.

She was beautiful, really. Her hair was long and auburn, just like mine. Brilliant green eyes with a circle of brown around the pupil were her dominant feature, something else I inherited from her. I don't know if they still are, I haven't seen the woman in so long. I wonder if she still thinks about me. The good me, or the daughter who said all these mean things and did all this bad stuff and pretty much screwed her life up.

I wonder if she pretends I don't exist.

"Squid, it's your turn." Zigzag nudges me.

At seven, we sit in folding chairs outside in the cooler air. It's still too hot. Zigzag pushes his jumpsuit down to his waist like he does while we're digging. I admire his skin; it looks so smooth and flawless, like marble. Flushing red, I spin my head way. If I keep staring at Zig, everyone's gonna think I'm gay and start calling me Fag instead of Squid. That's the last thing I need.

"So Greg, you're leaving very soon. What do you intend to do with your life?" Mr. Pendanski asks.

"Well, I kinda wanna go back to school. Thanks to this camp, I'm gonna have freakin' repeat the 9th grade. I missed the entire second semester and I should be half way through 10th grade by now." Haystack says rather annoyed.

"Hey now, this camp didn't screw your life up. _You_ did. And now you have to face the consequences." I see Mr. Sir walking around, gun in one hand and a cigarette in the other.

The smoke drifts over and I long to smoke. I used to, when I was fifteen and thought it was 'cool'. Suzy convinced me to quit once she found out. She took me to this doctor's office down the street and showed me all these posters about the damaging effects of tobacco. Basically, all the tar in my lungs could make a new set of tires and I was going to die if I smoked another pack.

"I get into one little fight at school and-" Mr. Pendanski cuts Haystack off.

"You almost killed that boy. You broke three of his ribs, that wasn't a _little_ fight, Greg."

"You lied to us, Hay! You said it was five ribs!" X-Ray calls out.

"Breaking someone's bones is nothing to be proud of." Announces Mr. P.

I broke some ribs once. My own and my dad's.

"I can't be the only one, who else busted someone up?" Haystack asks. Armpit, Zigzag, and I raise our hands. Mr.P tells me to share my experience and why it was wrong.

"I was, uh, fourteen I think-"

"Damn, Squid! Fourteen and you broke ribs?" Armpit exclaims. I nod.

"It was my dad's, actually. I hit him with a piece of wood from a broken chair." I remember the event like it was yesterday. "Because he killed my dog after it peed on the rug."

"Ah man, poor dog." Barf Bag sighs.

"And why was that wrong?" Asks Mr. Pendanski.

"I don't think I did anything wrong, Mom. That dog was a better friend to me than my dad. A life for some ribs." The boys clap. For such tough guys, they really like animals, or violence. Maybe both.


	4. Dazed School Girl

I move up in line in front of Barf Bag by the end of my first month, around the time Haystack leaves.

After a long day of digging, all the D-Tent boys get called to our tent to bid farewell to Haystack before the bus of freedom takes him away from this desolate place. He's packing up the few things in his crate as we tell him to be careful out in the real world. It's tougher than this camp.

"You guys will forget about me soon. Some kid will probably already be here tomorrow." He says, zipping up his backpack.

"Yeah, probably." I joke. We all laugh one final time. The bus is waiting, and Haystack is gone. It isn't too painful for me. I've only known the kid for a month and he was kinda annoying. But he was someone I was used to being around. It felt a little empty.

"There you are, Alan!" I turn to see Mr. P holding a letter. "This came for you this morning." I nod and check the return address. It's from Suzy. I suddenly remember I never wrote her, she hasn't heard from me in a month. It'd be too dangerous to read in the Rec Room, the mailbox was barley used. It was thought of weak and girly to write letters to your family.

"They don't care about you." Zigzag had once told me. I think he's just had some bad experiences. I know at least Suzy cares about me.

_Dear Alan._

_I'm getting worried. You said you'd write and when you didn't, I was just afraid something bad happened or things were too tough at the Lake. Is everything okay? No mean guys or secrets out? I bet I could get you out of there and somewhere safer, other than prison if it's too hard there._

_So what exactly do you do? Is it like summer camp or something? How's the lake?_

_Just let me know if you're okay, I miss you. It's so empty without you around._

_Love, Suzy._

"Who the hell is Suzy?" X-Ray asked. I jump, startled. I turn to see X-Ray, Armpit, Zigzag, and Barf Bag reading over my shoulder.

"Oh, my...girlfriend." I mentally praise myself, having a girlfriend is manly. "She worries too much." I laugh.

"Ooh, is she hot? Got any pictures?" Armpit asks excited.

"Not any she'd be okay with me sharing." This is stuff guys said when they talked about their girls, right? I'm assuming it is because they all smile and pat me on the back.

_Suzy,_

_Yeah, I'm alive. Chill. It's a freakin' desert, not a drop of water in sight. I dig holes all freakin' day._

_Alan_

I mail my short letter. There isn't much to say. Of course I love and miss my sister, not that I'd ever admit or risk the guys see me all mushy.

We set out the next morning at our usual five thirty am schedule. We all eat breakfast quietly; we are too tired to talk. Shovels are collected and we set out to random spot and begin our holes. Dig, dig, dig, dig...this is my life now. I bet by the time I'm finished here I'll be better at digging holes that I am able to read. I feel like I'm slowly losing all my smartness-why didn't they have a little school here so no kid got too behind like Haystack was saying?

As the sun rises, I see a bus far off into the distance. The only good thing about the vast emptiness is that you can see stuff miles away because there's nothing in the way. All of us are looking at the bus off into the distance.

"Ya think it's our new tent mate?" Barf Bag calls out.

"Maybe." Zigzag answers before continuing to dig.

Ten minutes pass, and the bus finally passes us. I stare at it, trying to see who's inside. I remember when I arrived, and all the boys were starting at me, now I understand why. I wanna know who the new kid is, since he's probably gonna live in my tent.

The water truck pulls up and I'm parched. I took my spot in line behind Zigzag, in front of Barfbag and Zero. X-Ray points to me, and then the space in front of Zigzag.

"Sorry, Zig." I mutter as I step up. He seems suspicious for some reason. Everyone knew Zig suffered from paranoia, was he paranoid that me getting in front of him in line was some sort of a conspiracy? Maybe. Or maybe he was just pissed that X-Ray liked me better now because of my fake girlfriend. Not that he knew Suzy isn't really my girlfriend.

I accidently nudge Zigzag when I step ahead of him. I feel a little spark on my skin and scold myself. _No, you aren't allowed to feel that about any boy here,_I repeat in my head. I turn to him and shoot him an apologetic look so he knows I didn't do it on purpose. But I quickly turn my face back towards the truck, the apology eyes were such a girly thing to do.

I go back to digging and try to focus on it completely, but I can't. I still feel a little tingle in my arm where it brushed Zigzags. Pissed at myself, I dig faster and get a splinter from the wood. It bleeds when I pull the little twig out but I ignore the blood and keep going, all the handles are already blood stained from all the blisters people have had.

I finish digging the same time as Zigzag, we are the last two done. We both spit in our holes and begin to walk back towards camp. He places the shovel on his bare shoulders and wraps his arms around it like those milk maids used to do. His wild blonde hair was frizzier than usual, and his skin was so smooth. I snap away from my gaze, I am such a lusty teenager.

When we return, Mr. Pendanski herds us, along with the other D-Tent boys, into our tent to meet the new guy. His name is Jose, and he's Hispanic. As Mr. Pendanski introduces us, we all interrupt and insert out nicknames, even I do. When I first arrived, I didn't particularly understand why they were so defensive over the nicknames, but now I know why. It's a sign of respect. And we don't let anyone threaten that.

By his third day, we call him Magnet. Somehow, he had managed to trick the dinner dude to look away while he grabbed an extra carton of juice for all the boys in D-Tent. His fingers are like magnets. Magnet is cool, too. He digs about as fast as Zigzag and me so the three of us usually walked back to camp together.

He got busted for trying to steal a puppy.

"I woulda gotten away with it, too, if my pocket hadn't started barkin'." Magnet shares one night at a group discussion thing with Pendanski. We all laugh as Pendanski scolds him for trying to steal. He turns to Zero.

"What do you like Zero?"

Zero stays silent.

"Not talking? What a surprise. What about you Alan? What do you like?" Pendanski turns to me. I angle my body towards him and accidently nudge Zigzag again. I pull away quickly and try to hold myself from looking at the frizzy blonde mane that I loved so much.

"I like pickin' locks." I reply. No one laughs.

"Well that's something you can't do at Camp Green Lake." Everyone laughs. They all know I've picked the lock to the Rec Room a few times. "What do you like to do that's _legal_?"

"I don't know. Walk around in the woods and stuff." I remember one time I was ten and I ran away. I ran to these woods in my neighborhood. The trees stood tall and the forest was on a hill overlooking a creek at the base of the hill. I made my way through the trees and mud until I found an old fort that had been built so many years ago. The teenagers liked to do drugs there. I slept in that fort for two days until the police found me.

"See! Now that's a good outlet for your need to break the law! Explore new places! Travel! Enjoy the simplicity of nature!"

"We don't have a need to break the law, Mom, it's just the fun stuff isn't allowed." X-Ray says, everyone laughing.

"Yes, Rex, because pretending to sell drugs to people is _fun_." Pendanski scolds.

"It is, too! I get to think about how they go home and try to get high off of parsley and stuff." We all laugh, it does sound pretty funny.

"I've said it before and I'll say it again. You all got one life, and so far you've done a great job of screwing it up." I tune him out and look out into the desert. I think I can make out some mountains far off into the distance. I wonder what it's like beyond the mountains. Maybe it rains or has grass and trees, or just something.

I picture valley beyond the mountains. In my head, I create a beautiful private place for me to be alone. Escaping the camp, I slip away into the beautiful oasis I'm creating. A river runs along the bottom, with fish and frogs living peacefully. Fruit trees grow along the water, the fruit never falling and rotting but always are waiting on the tree, waiting to be picked.

"What are you looking at?" Zigzag whispers softly. I am shocked awake. The sound of rushing water and the slight breeze I was imagining was now far in the distance, behind the mountains.

"The mountains." I respond dreamily. Realizing I'm speaking like a dazed school girl, I snap out of it. "They hold up all the rain, damn mountains." He gives me a blank look then gives a low laugh before turning his attention back to the group.

As the month goes on, Magnet merges into the group and Barf Bag slowly separates. It's not that BB is being replaced, he's just slipping away. He's grown quiet, and seems more tired than usual. He never sleeps. Every morning his eyes are bloodshot and have thick purple bags under them. Sometimes he even falls asleep while he digs.

He loses it.

I hear a rattle. I stand up straight and look up out of my hole. I find the source as my vision meets a rattlesnake curled with its tail raised and mouth open, fangs ready. Standing two feet from the snake is Barf Bag. His shoe and sock are over by his hole and he's holding his bare foot out to the snake.


	5. Alania Walker

"Barf Bag!" I yell. The rest of the boys heads pop up and see what's going on.

"Barf Bag!"

"Stop it!"

"Don't do this!"

I leap out of my hole. He wasn't listening. I'd tackle him out of the way if I had too. Is the venom deadly if it's in his system too long? There isn't a hospital for miles and miles. X-Ray jumps out of his hole, too. Has Barf Bag gone insane? Does he really want to go home so bad that's he risking death or losing his freakin' foot for all I know.

The snake strikes, and he screams.

The scream echoes in my ears. Next thing I know, the blade of my shovel is cutting into the snake. I can't help it. You'd hit a snake too if it just bit one of your friends. All of the boys are out of their holes, all surrounding the screaming and bleeding boy. A few pat me on the back after seeing the two halves of the snake.

Dust flies as the water truck pulls up. Mr. Sir, who spit out some sunflower seed shells as he ran, and Pendanski jump out and push us aside as they crouch around Barf Bag. Next thing I know, he's in the truck and it's speeding away. We all stand, stunned, and unsure what to do. A small pool of his blood soaks into the ground, as well as the snakes.

"Damn snake." Armpit spits as he picks it up and tosses it into Barf Bag's half dug hole.

"Do we keep digging?" Magnet asks.

"Unless you want to get shot by the Warden." Zigzag answers. He was so paranoid.

We all finish our holes slowly, even Zero finished a bit later than usual. It was odd with only six of us, silent. It was scary, not knowing what would happen to our friend. They'd probably never tell us. Would they make him come back and finish his sentence if he healed up?

X-Ray and Armpit leave not soon after. I finish my hole, but don't head back. I walk over to where Zigzag and Magnet are digging and sit in the small place between the holes. Magnet gives me a nod of acknowledgment and continues to dig, we have become friends over this past month.

Zigzag finishes his hole and jumps up to sit next to me. Like always, his chest is bare and I resist staring. I hate that I can't resist such simple urges and desires. I've been here two months and yet I still couldn't get over my attraction towards Zigzag. I found his odd look alluring. I loved his long neck, the large blue eyes, and his wild blonde hair.

"Do ya think he'll be okay?" Zig asks. The sun is getting hotter on my back.

"We shoulda saw it coming. He's been going crazy the past month." I respond, pulling my knees into my chest.

"He's been here for six or seven months. What made him go crazy now instead of earlier?" Responds Zigzag. Magnet finishes his hole and we begin to head back to camp. It's a long, hot walk.

"What makes anyone go crazy?" Wise ol' Magnet says. "I'm gonna hit the showers. I'll meet up with you two later, 'aight?"

"Later." I say as I head back to the tent, Zig going the other direction. I reach D-Tent to find it empty, good, time to think. I sit on my bed, my back to the door as I stare at the wall, I don't need any distractions while I think. I still had another year to go here, could I handle it? I always saw myself as a very strong person, physically and mentally, but I don't belong here.

No, it's not because it's an all boy's camp. No, it's not because of what I feel for Zigzag. It's because I'm as crazy as Barf Bag. No, it's not the heat. It's not the work. It's the memories. I belong in an insane asylum. Or at least a place where I can speak as Alania Walker, and try to cope with the past that's eating away at my sanity.

I hear someone step into the tent and see to see Zigzag staring at me with a blank expression. I stand up and turn towards him. We say nothing as he steps closer. His warm hand is on the side of my head, griping the hat. I don't stop him as he pulls the orange cap off and auburn hair falls to my shoulders.

Deep down, I knew he knew all along. I could just tell by the way he'd gently speak to me whenever I dazed off.

"When did you find out?" I ask softly, not even bothering to use my husky voice. Not like he hasn't heard me slip into my girly voice before.

"A while ago. When you nudged me as you moved past me in the water truck line." His fingers run through my hair as he curiously examines it.

"How?" I look him in the eye but he continues to stare and play with my hair.

"You looked at me to apologize. You looked like a girl then, I don't know. I just started noticing stuff after that. When you're dazed, I can see the girl in your eyes. And sometimes your voice slips and you talk like you are now." Fingers move to my cheek bones. "It's weird. You look completely different with long hair."

"Does anyone else know?"

"I don't think so. No one's said anything and they don't look at you the same way I do, you know, suspiciously. The other guys don't see it, you aren't very loose around them." I hear a scuffle outside and swipe up my hat and tuck my hair up. Zigzag takes a step back as Zero enters the tent. He lays down like usual and stares at the ceiling.

"You owe me some answers." Zig whispers as we exit the tent. "Tonight, I'll get you. We'll go behind the dining hall." Then he heads for the showers as I go towards the Rec Room.

My emotions are mixed about someone knowing. Will he rat me out to the Warden? No, Zig wouldn't do that. But is he knowing safe? Am I happy that someone knows? _What do I feel?_ Usually my emotions eat me alive, but now I don't feel anything. Feeling nothing is what I always wanted but now it's driving me insane.

I feel like I've barley fallen asleep when he shakes me.

"Squid? Let's go." I recognize Zigs voice. A warm hand grabs mine and pulls me up and out of bed. I can't help but feel a little spark at my fingertips as he pulls me through the darkness. We exit the tent, glancing around to make sure no one's awake before crossing the empty dirt and heading towards the dining hall.

He releases my hand once we get to the back and turns to me. Once again, he removes my hat.

"Okay, I have some questions."

"Shoot." We sit.

"How the hell did you get in here?" It's almost decent temperature outside, maybe low eighties. It might actually feel nice to sleep out here, the heat gets trapped inside the tent.

"I pretended to be a boy."

"Well, _duh_, but I mean, how did no one find out you're a girl?"

"On my sheet I had to fill out for court, I marked the 'boy' box and took "I" and "A" off the end of my name. The camp was supposed to look up the birth records of the non-existent Alan Walker but, it's been two months and nothing's happened so I guess they're just lazy..." My voice trails off.

"What about your body? Do you just not have tits or curves or anything?" He asks seriously. I laugh louder than I should.

"No, I do." I unbutton the first few buttons of my suit and reach my hand down my shirt. After I unwrap the fabric from my body and pull it out, my boobs are very obvious. I then reach down and unclasp the buckle on my side shapers and pull it out. I stand up to show off my curves.

"You're kinda hot."

"Thanks." I laugh.

"I'm not gonna lie, I thought you were gay for a while."

"You saw me looking?" My cheeks flush.

"Yeah. I see everything, Sq-" He stops himself. "You need a girl nickname. I'll call ya Squid when I'm talking to boy you but I'll call you something else when I'm talking to girl you."

I sit back down next to him and don't say anything. I'm still not sure how I feel.

"Why would you chose to come to Camp Green Lake?" Zigzag asks.

"Because otherwise I'd have to go to prison. And I'm _never_ going back there." Memories flash and I pull my knees to my chest.

"How old are you?"

"Seventeen. You?"

"Me too. I've never been to prison, though. I've been on parole a lot. What's prison like?"

"I don't wanna talk about it." He doesn't press on. I look up at the sky, and see the stars for once. I'm usually asleep by the time stars come out, so this is the first time I've seen them in a couple of months. "Do you see the shovel?" I point out a constellation.

"Shovels and dirt. That's all I see now."


	6. The Past

The new kid already arrives the next day.

X-Ray and I are walking towards the shovel shed to put our shovels away when Mr. Pendaski calls out to us.

"Rex! Alan! I want you to come say hello to Stanley. He's the newest member of our team." Standing next to him was an bigger awkward looking kid clutching a small backpack. I wanted to at least wash my face first, I had just returned from digging, but I go over anyways.

"What happened to Barf Bag?" X-Ray asks, ignoring Stanley.

"Lewis is still in the hospital. He won't be returning." Pendanski informs us. I feel a little bit of happiness, at least he doesn't have to return to this place that drove him to insanity. "Now introduce yourselves and shake hands with Stanley like gentlemen."

"Hi." I grunt.

"That's Alan." Introduces Pendanski.

"My name's not Alan. It's Squid. And that's X-Ray." I jerk my head towards X-Ray who is even more bitter towards Stanley than I am.

"Hey." They shook hands.

"Alan, go to the Rec Hall and get the other boys to meet Stanley." Orders Pendanski. I nod as I toss my shovel away and head towards the Rec Room. My mind wanders to last night as I walk. I think of Zigzags face on my cheek and in my hair and how it made that stupid butterfly feeling in my stomach. I wonder if he noticed my blush or if he even knows that I might sort of maybe kinda like him.

Arriving at the Rec Room, I find the rest of the D-Tent boys engaged in a game of poker.

"New kids here. Mom wanted me to come get you guys so you could meet him." I announce as Armpit tosses a couple faded chips into the center of the table. They quickly finish the game, Magnet winning with a bunch of aces. I know I'm not the only one who suspects that he took the aces secretly. His fingers were like magnets. He wins Armpit's shower tokens that he's acculmated over the months.

"Squid." Zigzag says quietly once the other boys stand up and start to leave. "Same thing tonight?" I stand confused for a moment, wondering what he's talking about. A little light bulb lights up once I realize what he's talking about-meeting up behind the dining hall. I give him a nod.

We enter D tent just as Stanley pushes his backpack into Barf Bag's old crate. Mr. Pendanski introduces Magnet, Armpit, and Zigzag using their real names, but as usual, they correct him.

"They all have their little nicknames. However, I prefer to use the names their parents gave them-_the names that society will recognize them by_when they return to become useful and hard-working members of society." Explains Pendanski.

"It ain't just a nickname," X-Ray speaks as he taps the rim of his dirt covered glasses. "I can see inside you, Mom. You've got a big fat heart." He's ignored as Mr. Pendanski introduces Zero, who laid on his cot the second he entered the tent.

"You know why his name's Zero? Because there's nothing going on in his little head!" Zero doesn't defend himself as Pendanski says this. I almost jump in and defend Zero. Although the dude was quiet, it didn't mean he didn't think or was stupid or didn't have feelings. And why was someone who was supposed to boost his confidence and make him feel not alone saying something so mean about Zero?

"And that's Mom!" Armpit laughs as Pendanski smiles.

"If it makes you feel better to call me Mom, Theodore, go ahead and call me Mom." He turned to Stanley. "If you have any questions, Theodore will help you. You got that, Theodore? I'm depending on you." Armpit seems displeased as he spits on the floor.

"Geez, Armpit, we want to have a sanitary home around here." I say with a grin.

"You were all new here once and you all know what it feels like. I'm counting on every one of you to help Stanley." I bite my lip. No one helped me when I came here.

Dinner. Time to interrogate the new guy.

"What'd you do?" Asks X-Ray as we eat. After two months of starving, I finally start to eat. The guys were right, you do sort of get used to it. I think it's some sort of beef stew. Stanley stared at him blankly. "They sent you here for a reason."

"Oh, I stole a pair of sneakers." He answers. Psh, lame.

"From a store, or where they one someone's feet?" I ask.

"Uh, neither. They belonged to Clyde Livingston." None of us believe him. No way in hell he managed to get a pair of shoes that rare. And why would anyone steal sneakers that smelt like mold?

"Sweet Feet?" says X-Ray. "Yeah,_right_."

"No way." I add.

Stanley is silent for the rest of the meal, as the rest of us discuss a cloud we say today. As we speak, I remember the topic of conversation when I first arrived. A cloud. I almost laugh to myself. I remember not understanding what the big deal was about clouds until I saw the first cloud at Camp Green Lake since I arrived. Clouds were rare, small, and never covered the sun like every camper hoped.

About an hour after everyone's gone to sleep, Zigzag and I slip out of the tent and silently make our way to the Dining Hall. I admire how the moonlight hits Zigs face. Since his hair is so light, the moon can easily illuminate it and casts a small ray across his face. I snap out of my gaze once we reach out destination.

Once again, he removes my hat and tosses it aside.

"Okay, Nudge, I have some more questions." He says as he lays down on his back and looks up into the clear sky. The only good thing about being in the middle of nowhere with no clouds was the sky. It was beautiful. You could even see other arms of the galaxy across the sky it was so clear.

"Nudge? What?" I ask as I lie next to him.

"Yeah, your _girl_ nickname, but it's my night to ask questions, okay?" He lightly touches my cheek as he says 'girl'. The butterflies swarm inside me. I turn my head so our skin is not touching and the butterflies exit my body.

"Who's Suzy? Are you lesbian or is she not actually your girlfriend?" I laugh as he say's this.

"Suzy is my sister. I live with her in Idaho."

"Why are you in a Texas camp if you live in Idaho?"

"Because my legal residence is my mom's house, which is in Texas, not too far from here actually. I-" Deciding whether or not I want to tell the story, I bite my lip before continuing. "I told my mom a few years ago after my dad went to jail that I was going to visit Suzy for a bit. I packed up almost everything and never came back. I just had to get away from that town. My mom begged for me to come home during the first year I was gone, she knew how much trouble I was getting into. After I went to jail for a few months, she stopped calling me."

"Is she mad at you?"

"I don't know. I think so. Would you be happy with your jail bird kid? I'm a screw-up and my mom hates it." I close my eyes and try to hold back tears. My past and my mom are the only two things that could ever make me cry.

"My mom hates me, too." Zig whispers after a silence. I prop myself up on one elbow and turn to him. His eyes are shut, too.

"Why would she hate you? A mother couldn't hate her child, ever. I said my mom hated what I have become, not me. Your mom doesn't hate you." After I finish, his eyes open, the moon shining into his crystal blue pained eyes.

"You don't know her. She hates me." He looks over at me as he launches into his story. "I'm in here because I got into too many fights. My last fight was with my brother." Zigzag's eyes wander towards the sky as he goes silent, but I know he isn't done. Like me, he's having difficult choking out the rest. I don't why, but I reach out and push a strand of wild hair from his face. The large eyes look back over at me with a curious expression.

"Sorry." I mutter.

"No, it's okay. It felt...nice. You know, to be cared for." I feel so bad for him. Zigzag says this as if he had never been loved before.

"Did your mom like you before you started fighting?" I ask softly.

"No." His eyes redirect towards the sky. Laying back down and looking up at the stars, I listen to him. "She'd always refer to me as her 'Damn Weird Kid' because I have Paranoia. It was really bad when I was little kid, _really_ bad. I'd punch out windows because I'd think someone was watching me. When the doctor diagnosed me, my mother didn't understand it. He tried to explain it, but she just keep saying I was stupid and weird.

"She preferred my brother, Todd. She wasn't embarrassed or ashamed of him. He was strong and could play any sport he wanted to. I used to to be skinny and weak, if only she could see me now." His muscles were quite nicely devolved. "I was kinda always in the shadows. She was only nice to me on the holidays.

"I don't think she really hated me until I hit Todd. I couldn't stand it. It was on my birthday and he just couldn't stop getting all the freakin' attention. My blood just boiled I guess." Zig pauses. "I kinda like it here. I'm liked. No one cares that I fight, we all have something we aren't too proud of. And most of all, no one knows about Todd."

"Do you really hate Todd?" I ask, turning to him once again. "Or do you just hate that your mom likes him better?"

Zigzag doesn't answer.


	7. Feelings

It was funny to watch Stanley struggle.

The hardest part was starting the hole. Breaking into the solid ground wasn't exactly the easiest thing to do. The boy just couldn't get his shovel in. He'd aim, jump, and fall over. I couldn't help but laugh until he finally found a crack in the ground after his third or fourth attempt. But the fun in watching him wasn't over. Stanley had to jump out of his hole often and move the dirt piles farther and farther out. Out of all the new people I've seen come here, he was struggling the most.

Everyone else is watching as they dig, too. Zigzag and Magnet often glance over at me when something really funny happens. This was one of most fun days I've had in a little over two months. I feel almost bad for saying this to myself in my head, but dismiss it. Was it so wrong to be entertained by someone else's failures?

As the water truck came brining lunches, I hear Magnet asking Stanley how he's doing. The famous line escapes Magnet's lips.

"Well, the first hole's the hardest."

A little while later, the new boy asks where to go the bathroom, and everyone gestures to holes and tells him to pick one. I laugh as I continue to dig. I have to hold it all day until I can get back to where there's a toilet, I've learned to wait. Better than peeing into a hole with a bunch of pissed off (now they're pissed on) yellow-spotted lizards.

I finish my hole around the same time as Zigzag, leaving an almost finished Magnet and a far behind Stanley to finish. We spit, and head off together.

"Whattya think of the new guy?" I ask once we're a bit away. As usual, Zigs top is rolled down to his waist and the shirt is on the back of the neck. I just will never get over how incredibly attractive he is, especially shirtless.

"Sweetheart, could you not stare?" He mocks me with a smile.

"My name is not 'Sweetheart'." I say sternly, my stomach emptying at the nickname as memories flood through my head. My mouth goes dries and my wrists start paining me. I can hear screams and laughs. Make it stop or I'll go insane. "Don't call me that."

"Would you prefer Pookie Bear?"

"I'd prefer Squid or Nudge. Would you like to answer my question, _darling_?" My happy mood returns as I call him darling, it's kinda funny.

"I think he's gonna have a hard time, but he seems pretty cool, I guess." Zig bites his lip. "Don't call me darling."

"If you have such a problem with pet names why did you call me one?"

"I don't have a problem with names, it's just that one." He looks away. "My mom used to say it, only in a mean, sarcastic way. Like, 'My _darling_ son' or something."

As we return to camp, Zig heads off for the showers and I head for the tent than water spout. I really hated having to shower in the middle of the night, I just wanted to be clean now. Why couldn't girls attend this lake anyways? A girl could dig a hole as easily a boy. I've even proved a girl can dig a hole better and faster than some boys. If anything, females would be better diggers. We're more determined, and in my opinion, tougher. But that's just me being a feminist.

I return to the Rec Room to find Armpit and X-Ray playing spoons with old, faded cards. Instead of spoons, they use shower tokens, the usual betting prize for Camp Green Lake. They invite me to join but I decline, I need to keep my tokens(even though I'd probably win, I have very fast reflexes). To pass time, I grab an even more worn out deck, so worn out that some of the numbers and symbols had been drawn on with marker, and play solitaire with myself.

"Wanna play Go Fish?" Zigzag asks as he returns from his shower.

"Go Fish?" I laugh. "Aren't we a little old for that game?"

"I'm gonna be eighteen soon and be an adult, I wanna relive my childhood." He smiles as he sits down next to me on the couch that smells like sweat.

"From what you've told me, your childhood was shit." I joke as I begin to shuffle the cards.

"I've told you the bad parts. I've had good times. And playing Go Fish was one of them." We keep score by adding up the numbers on the cards from the pairs we get. After about five games, Magnet joins. After another three games, the door swings open the new kid walks in. He looks rather annoyed as he carries a small box in his muscle-less arms.

"Hey, watch it!" Scab, a boy from C tent, calls out as the new kid stumbles over his legs.

"You watch it." He replies, walking away. Damn, this boy was as brave as hell standing up to Scab, a boy at least three times his size. 100% muscle and violence.

"What'd you say?" Yells Scab as he leaned up and clenched his fist.

"Nothin'." Replies New Kid.

Scab rises. "You said something. What did you say?" A finger is jabbed and I know someone here is screwed.

"Be cool," X-Ray inserts himself into the dispute."You don't want to mess with the Caveman." Damn. One day and he's already got a nickname? I got mine after a week and I've got more respect in one finger than the Caveman's got in his whole body. Whatever. The line order meant more than a nickname.

"The Caveman's cool." Armpit joins in.

"I'm not looking for trouble. I'm just tired, that's all." Caveman explains. I almost laugh. He has no idea that the Caveman is him. Scab grunts and walks away as X-Ray and Armpit leads Caveman over to Zigzag and me. I slide over on the couch so he can sit.

"The Caveman's one tough dude." I tell the guys. Although really out of it and a little funny, he almost started a fight with the biggest guy at camp. I lightly punch Caveman in the arm, but shoot an apologetic glance when I realize I actually hit him kinda hard. The boy in me is _becoming_ me.

"I wasn't trying to start anything." Says the Caveman once again.

"Well, how'd you like your first hole?" I ask, setting the cards down on the table.

Caveman groaned and I couldn't help but laugh. "Well, the first hole's the hardest."

"No way." X-Ray shakes his head. "The second hole's a lot harder. You're hurting before you even get started. If you think you're sore now, just wait and see how you feel tomorrow morning, right?"

"That's right." I respond. I remember my second hole like it was yesterday. It was probably one of the most exhausting and painful things I've ever done.

"Plus the fun's gone." X-Ray continues.

"The fun?"

"Don't lie to me. I bet you always wanted to dig a big hole, right? Am I right?" We all nod in agreement. I know I've always wanted to do that. "Every kid in the world wants to dig a great big hole. To China, right?"

"Right." Caveman finally nods.

"See what I mean. That's what I'm saying. But now the fun's gone. And you still got to do it again, and again, and again." X-Ray sighs.

"Camp Fun and Games." Says Caveman.

"What's in the box?" I ask, jerking my chin to the small box still clutched in his hands.

"Uh, paper, I was going to write a letter to my mother."

"Your mother?" I laugh.

"She'll worry if I don't." He responds. I just scowl. I can't help it, I didn't want to hear about his mother who would worry about him. I don't want to hear about his mother who cares about him and awaits his letter. The mother who probably didn't care and believed he was still a good boy when he got sent to Camp Green Lake. A mother who will write him back and say she can't wait until he comes home. A mother who loves him.

I leave Caveman and begin to play pool with X-Ray, Armpit, and Zig. I notice he begins to write his letter, but I ignore him.

I let my mind wander. I think back to my home in Boise. Do I wish I was back there? In that town full of people who hate me and think I'm weird? Or would I rather be here, where I have to dig my ass off every day? At least I have friends here, whether most of them are friends with Squid rather than Nudge, I don't care. Friends are friends.

I had a friend in Midland, the town in Texas I grew up in. Her name was Bethany. We we're friends starting in Kindergarten, and it lasted until middle school when I started getting into trouble. I wonder if she remembers me like I remember her, an innocent friendship that kept me sane as my home life fell apart. I decide I will find Beth as soon as I get out, I have to thank her.

Once in middle school, I moved on from 'innocent friends' like Beth. In fact, I didn't even have friends. I had a posy of kids that I'd get into trouble with. We'd break into homes that were being built and vandalize the place. At thirteen, one of the older kids in my group started bringing beer they swiped from their parents to those houses.

The police showed up one night. Me, along with a few other kids, manage to hop the fence and get away. As for the ten other kids that were part of my posy, they were all caught with alcohol and sent to Stark weather, the school for bad kids. Sometimes I wish I was sent there, too. Those kids right now we're back into regular high schools with college on the way. I was here.

Would I be a different person if I were, too, caught that night? Would I be in school right now, sitting at a desk with a pencil in my hand and a clean record? Would I be smart or happy? Would I still be living in the same house in Midland with my mother and have a great life?

I tell Zigzag this story that night. I start with Beth and end with my thoughts on where I would be right now if I would have been caught.

"I like to believe everything happens for a reason." He tells me after I finish.

"I'm a major screw-up for a reason?" I ask seriously.

"You aren't a screw-up. But I think you're here for a reason."

"I don't see what purpose this place could have."

He stays silent for a moment. "You said you didn't have real friends in Midland." I nod. "You do here."

I ponder this for a moment. Personally, I was never a big believer of 'everything happens for a reason', but his words were true.

"Did you have friends?" I ask, pushing away my history. He rolls his shoulders as we sit against the wall, looking up at the stars as usual. It was a common interest we share, the stars. Zig actually knew a lot of the constellation names and would point them out to me sometimes. I gotta ask where he learned that someday.

"Yeah, but she died when I was fourteen." Zig says this smoothly and I gasp.

"Holy shit, I'm so sorry-" He cuts me off.

"I hate it when people say that when someone dies. What the hell are you sorry about? You didn't kill her." I stay silent. I want to know more, but I feel like Zig is pissed that the subject was brought up, so I stay silent. I stare down at my boots and hit the toes together. My hair forms a curtain between us, I'm scared to look and see if he's actually mad.

My hair slowly moves as his fingers brush across my face. Zigzag tucks the curtain behind my ear and turns my face by putting a hand on my chin and pulling. Blue eyes gaze into my own, his apologetic and mine frightened.

"I'm not mad at you, Nudge, no need to hide." He laughs as he drops his hand. "I actually really like talking to you. I'm glad you snuck into this place. I needed someone to talk to about all this shit, I think all of us guys do, but it's nothing we wanna share in group. It's too personal and it'll make us un-manly."

"Sucks, doesn't it?" I say as I rub my eyes. "I'm gonna head back, I'm tired."

"Yeah, me too." Zigzag agrees, standing up and handing me my hat. After I tuck my hair inside, he holds his hand to me. I try to hide my blush in the dark light as I take his hand and he helps me up. He doesn't let go of my hand until we enter the empty space between all the buildings. Suddenly, Zig is violently tugging my jumpsuit and his hand is over my mouth.

"Shut up." He whispers sternly as he presses my back behind a small outhouse. He stands in front of me, mere inches away, and doesn't breathe. What's going on? Memories flash and I can't stop my eyes from watering. Zigzag gasps as he presses against me, the tears slide down my cheeks before I can stop them. He pokes his head around the outhouse and sighs in relief as he pulls off me.

"Mr. Sir was walking around, I'm sorry-" He pauses abruptly and brings a finger to my wet cheeks. I'm still pressed up against the wall, breathing heavily and trying to collect myself.

"Are-are you crying?" I bite my lip and stay silent. Squid nor Nudge would never admit they were crying, ever. Neither cried in front of people, ever. "Why are you crying?" His voice is soft and gentle, maybe even a hint of concern or worry in the mix. It would be cute, but the question stung me. I'm suddenly queasy, my insides are flipping.

I sprint around the outhouse and step inside moments before my dinner comes up. It looks exactly the same as when I ate it, it would be funny if I weren't-well, throwing up. I stay kneeling on the ground for a few moments after I'm done before I exit the outhouse. Zigzag stands there, looking at me with concerned eyes.

"Are you okay?" He asks as I walk past him. I feel bad for storming off, but I don't want to talk about it. I never want to talk about it.

"Hey! Wait!" He yells, trying to catch up with me. I continue to walk towards D-Tent with my lips sewn shut. Zig catches up and gently grabs my hand. "Hey, what's wrong-"

"Would you shut up?" I hiss, spinning around. "You're gonna wake someone up." He stares at me, confused and surprised that I used such a harsh tone of voice. He releases me hand and watches as I stomp into the tent and collapse into my bed, hiding under the scratchy sheets.

I listen for Zig, but he doesn't enter the tent. Where could he be? Was I too hard on him? Is he mad at me? No, it wasn't my fault. Emotion took over, right? He'll understand, right? The questions bite at me, and I can't sleep. The last thing I want is Zigzag to be mad at me, he's the most important person to me in this camp. He's the only person that knows about Nudge, about who I really am. He's the only person in the world I can talk to.

About an hour later, I hear someone step into the tent. I pretend to be asleep, I don't want to talk about my behavior. I know Zig's hovering over me when I feel a sudden body of warmth near me. I almost flinch when his cool lips press to my cheek, and his hand softly caress my other cheek. I don't whether my heart stopped or beats a thousand times faster, I'm numb. I don't know what I'm feeling.

Whatever I'm feeling, it can't be good.


	8. Members of Society

That night was scorching. Even though the sun was long gone, the stuffy air still lingered and made it hard to breath. Sweat was now like a second skin to me, it felt weird to not be sweating. It was the first night since Zigzag and I started having our night time meetings that he rolled down his jumpsuit, but kept his shirt on. I wish I could do the same, I didn't wear the t-shirt underneath, it was already hot enough as it was with the wrap and body shapers.

What was wrong with rolling down the top? It's not like I showed anything but my stomach, and Zig wouldn't mind, right? I decide to just roll it down after a few moments of baking in the moonlight. He glances at me, observes my flat stomach, nods, and looks back up at the sky.

"Okay, so tell me-" He takes off my hat and sets on his lap. "Nudge, why did you...? I mean, did I hurt you or something? Like, did I press down too hard or were you just sick...?" He looks at me with curious eyes.

"It's sort of a long story. I've never talked about it before." I've never even uttered the words. I haven't even told the story to myself or my journal back home. I'm afraid if I replay the story with words it'll happen all over again my head. Should I tell Zig? Can I trust him with a secret like this? More importantly, will I even be able to tell the story without breaking down?

"I don't understand." Zig replies.

I take in a deep breath, trying to separate oxygen from the thick air. I'm still short of breath anyways. "Well, being pinned down that like sort of...brought back a memory."

"If this memory affects you that strongly why haven't you talked about it before?" He looks at me, but I keep my eyes glued to sky.

"It's hard to talk about stuff like that. You said it yourself, it's hard to talk about deeply emotionally things, whether you're a guy or a girl." I say, turning to him. Zigs sat up and crossed his legs, as if he was a little kid listening to story. I stay laying down, it's comfortable.

He ponders for a moment. "How about I'll tell you a story and then you tell me yours?" I nod.

"Okay." He joins me in the laying down position. "It's about the friend I had, the one I said who died. We were both fourteen, and we both lived in this little neighborhood that had a lot of trees. It was always really dark at night because the trees blocked all the moonlight, there was no street lamps, and no one had porch lights. Well, me and her were kind of stupid kids. Sometimes I feel like it's all my fault she died.

"Anyways, it was night time and I told her we should go to the creek at night. There was this stupid rumor about a ghost that would go swimming at night. We were both thrill seeking kind of kids, so we decided to go. It was super late, maybe two in the morning, so no one was awake. We got close to river, trying to sort of look in. I heard her scream for a millisecond and next thing I know there was a splash and I couldn't see her at all.

"That river was deep, Nudge, deep as _fuck_. And the current was insane, it could pull a damn semi along. I screamed her name a thousand times. I couldn't see and I wanted to go get help, but I didn't want to leave her even though she was already gone the second she fell in. I wanted to jump in after her but I knew I wouldn't have come back up either. I waited until the sun rose around seven before I left the river. I ran to the police station first. Her body showed up later that day really far away, miles, from where she fell. We moved right after that."

He isn't crying, but his face is so blank I don't what he's feeling. Is he sad or just traumatized? Not knowing what to do, I grab his hand. He glances at the contact and then to my face.

"You know it wasn't your fault, Zig. Anyone could have slipped, day or night. At least she wasn't alone and she was found instead of being missing for years. You did a good thing, waiting for her like that." He doesn't say anything, but just looks back to our hands with a curious expression and tightens his grip. Once again, I get a depressed feeling. No one has ever held his hand before. Did this boy even know what it felt like to be cared for?

"Your turn." Zig whispers. I put my game face on. If Zig could talk about the death of his best friend, than surely I could talk about what happened in that cold, lifeless cell, right? I was as tough as Zigzag, I could do this.

"Okay. It happened when I was in prison. It was sort of juvi, like it was made for kids under eighteen, but it wasn't like juvi. It was a place for kids who were trash, basically." I laugh nervously.

"I don't think you're trash."

"That makes one." I bite my lip before continuing. "I was the oldest in my hall, I was sixteen at the time. The prison guard liked me, a lot. I thought we were friends. One night it was cold. Really cold." I get chills just thinking about how cold it was. "And he came into my cell." I hear the bars slide open. "He put his hand over my mouth." My lips burn. "Called me Sweetheart." My heart beats faster. "Held me down." My wrists burn. "And he rape-r-rap-" I can't finish. My eyes just fall to the ground and I grit my teeth. "He raped me.

"I can't really remember that actual part of it. He broke both my wrists and I had bruises everywhere. I musta punched him a couple of times because I remember him bleeding when he reported me attacking him, which was his cover-up. I didn't get in trouble, though, he told the other guards he brought it in some blankets in the middle of the night when he noticed me shivering and that he must of scared of me and that's why I 'attacked'."

He's quiet for a few moments. I use this time to congratulate myself. Just telling the story without crying was quite an accomplishment for me. You know how people say talking about things makes it better? Well, it's true. I might have relived it a little, but it's sort of like being looked in a room with a crazy animal. If you open the door, the dog can run out and might leave you alone. But if you keep the door locked, you're trapped with it. That's sort of how I felt keeping the memory locked in my head.

We decide to head back, we were both exhausted and the air was too thick for comfort. Zigzag still has a firm grip on my hand, as if he never wants to let go. I wonder what it feels like for him, to have someone's fingers intertwined with his. For me, it's a simple sign of caring. But what could it be like for him, a boy that has never known love or compassion?

"Wait, you didn't report that or anything?" He asks suddenly. "You said this was your first time talking about it? You never told anyone the real story?"

I bite my lip again. "No. Why would they believe me? I was in prison because I had fucked up and this guy had a job and well, wasn't in jail."

I didn't expect Zig to be so pissed. "That's fucking stupid. Who cares what a girl did or where she was? Why would anyone lie about something that serious? I can't believe-"

"Zig." I say as I hear footsteps approaching.

"-people are so stupid. It's a horrible experience and something needs to be done about it-"

This time, I see Mr. Sir and Zigzag doesn't. He won't shut up, I try to say that someone is coming, but he can't hear me as fires off. He tries to turn the corner of the building, and I do the first thing I can think of, the only thing that will stop a man in his tracks and shut him up. Using all my newly found strength, I grab him by the wrists and pin them above his head against the wall. I stand up on my toes and kiss him.

My eyes are open as I carefully watch Mr. Sir out of the corner of my eye. He glances around as if he heard something, and shakes his head, dismissing it. I can't help but notice that Zigs eyes are closed, and how gently he's kissing me. I just then realize he didn't reject my kiss at all, but was actually kissing me back as tenderly and sweetly as possible.

I hear the door of Mr. Sir's cabin swing shut, and I pull back, releasing his wrists. His eyes open slowly, and he just stares at me. No words are spoken. I suddenly have the strongest urge to kiss him again, and I have no idea why. My feet carry me a step closer, and I feel his hands take mine again. This time, he closes the gap and leans down, softly kissing me again. One hands slides around my waist, another on the back of my head.

I return the affection, placing a calloused hand on his neck and hold him steady. Next thing I know there are tongues and he's tugging at my lip with his teeth. Damn, this boy knew what he was doing. My insides are going crazy. Fireworks. I see them, I hear them, and I feel them. I've never felt this while kissing someone before. What was this? Did this mean there was something more between us than just sexual tension?

I can't remember ever really liking someone before. I mean, I've been in relationships and all, but I never felt anything. Is this what a relationship is? Are me and Zig in one without realizing it?

Relationships are messy. I decided that quite some time ago after my last boyfriend, Michael. It wasn't serious, now that I think about it. I felt about an eighth of what I felt kissing Zig when I kissed Michael. Nothing ever felt real, he'd keep his arm around me and hold my hand but he would always stare at other girls and even whistle at them. I never said anything, he wouldn't listen anyways. I eventually left him, but not because of his cheating tendencies. Michael liked to hit.

We don't say anything after we finally pull apart, which could have been forever or two seconds for all I knew. Silence as we entered the tent and fell asleep. My body won't rest, and I can't stop thinking. I knew I was feeling something for him, but did he feel anything for me? He's been out here for months without any sort of contact, how did I know he kissed me because he liked me or just because he was horny?

_No, Zig isn't like that._Alania says.

_All guys are._Alan responds.

I feel like I'm developing spilt personality disorder. The two sides of me battle it out. Alania likes to believe Zigzag is an amazing guy who cares so much for her and really did kiss her just because he couldn't hold back feelings anymore. Alan argues that any of these guys would have kissed Alania, they've been alone and girl-less for months. I fall asleep listening to them fight. They finally shut up when they realize I'm asleep, they know better than to wake me up.


	9. Split Personality

That night was scorching. Even though the sun was long gone, the stuffy air still lingered and made it hard to breath. Sweat was now like a second skin to me, it felt weird to not be sweating. It was the first night since Zigzag and I started having our night time meetings that he rolled down his jumpsuit, but kept his shirt on. I wish I could do the same, I didn't wear the t-shirt underneath, it was already hot enough as it was with the wrap and body shapers.

What was wrong with rolling down the top? It's not like I showed anything but my stomach, and Zig wouldn't mind, right? I decide to just roll it down after a few moments of baking in the moonlight. He glances at me, observes my flat stomach, nods, and looks back up at the sky.

"Okay, so tell me-" He takes off my hat and sets on his lap. "Nudge, why did you...? I mean, did I hurt you or something? Like, did I press down too hard or were you just sick...?" He looks at me with curious eyes.

"It's sort of a long story. I've never talked about it before." I've never even uttered the words. I haven't even told the story to myself or my journal back home. I'm afraid if I replay the story with words it'll happen all over again my head. Should I tell Zig? Can I trust him with a secret like this? More importantly, will I even be able to tell the story without breaking down?

"I don't understand." Zig replies.

I take in a deep breath, trying to separate oxygen from the thick air. I'm still short of breath anyways. "Well, being pinned down that like sort of...brought back a memory."

"If this memory affects you that strongly why haven't you talked about it before?" He looks at me, but I keep my eyes glued to sky.

"It's hard to talk about stuff like that. You said it yourself, it's hard to talk about deeply emotionally things, whether you're a guy or a girl." I say, turning to him. Zigs sat up and crossed his legs, as if he was a little kid listening to story. I stay laying down, it's comfortable.

He ponders for a moment. "How about I'll tell you a story and then you tell me yours?" I nod.

"Okay." He joins me in the laying down position. "It's about the friend I had, the one I said who died. We were both fourteen, and we both lived in this little neighborhood that had a lot of trees. It was always really dark at night because the trees blocked all the moonlight, there was no street lamps, and no one had porch lights. Well, me and her were kind of stupid kids. Sometimes I feel like it's all my fault she died.

"Anyways, it was night time and I told her we should go to the creek at night. There was this stupid rumor about a ghost that would go swimming at night. We were both thrill seeking kind of kids, so we decided to go. It was super late, maybe two in the morning, so no one was awake. We got close to river, trying to sort of look in. I heard her scream for a millisecond and next thing I know there was a splash and I couldn't see her at all.

"That river was deep, Nudge, deep as _fuck_. And the current was insane, it could pull a damn semi along. I screamed her name a thousand times. I couldn't see and I wanted to go get help, but I didn't want to leave her even though she was already gone the second she fell in. I wanted to jump in after her but I knew I wouldn't have come back up either. I waited until the sun rose around seven before I left the river. I ran to the police station first. Her body showed up later that day really far away, miles, from where she fell. We moved right after that."

He isn't crying, but his face is so blank I don't what he's feeling. Is he sad or just traumatized? Not knowing what to do, I grab his hand. He glances at the contact and then to my face.

"You know it wasn't your fault, Zig. Anyone could have slipped, day or night. At least she wasn't alone and she was found instead of being missing for years. You did a good thing, waiting for her like that." He doesn't say anything, but just looks back to our hands with a curious expression and tightens his grip. Once again, I get a depressed feeling. No one has ever held his hand before. Did this boy even know what it felt like to be cared for?

"Your turn." Zig whispers. I put my game face on. If Zig could talk about the death of his best friend, than surely I could talk about what happened in that cold, lifeless cell, right? I was as tough as Zigzag, I could do this.

"Okay. It happened when I was in prison. It was sort of juvi, like it was made for kids under eighteen, but it wasn't like juvi. It was a place for kids who were trash, basically." I laugh nervously.

"I don't think you're trash."

"That makes one." I bite my lip before continuing. "I was the oldest in my hall, I was sixteen at the time. The prison guard liked me, a lot. I thought we were friends. One night it was cold. Really cold." I get chills just thinking about how cold it was. "And he came into my cell." I hear the bars slide open. "He put his hand over my mouth." My lips burn. "Called me Sweetheart." My heart beats faster. "Held me down." My wrists burn. "And he rape-r-rap-" I can't finish. My eyes just fall to the ground and I grit my teeth. "He raped me.

"I can't really remember that actual part of it. He broke both my wrists and I had bruises everywhere. I musta punched him a couple of times because I remember him bleeding when he reported me attacking him, which was his cover-up. I didn't get in trouble, though, he told the other guards he brought it in some blankets in the middle of the night when he noticed me shivering and that he must of scared of me and that's why I 'attacked'."

He's quiet for a few moments. I use this time to congratulate myself. Just telling the story without crying was quite an accomplishment for me. You know how people say talking about things makes it better? Well, it's true. I might have relived it a little, but it's sort of like being looked in a room with a crazy animal. If you open the door, the dog can run out and might leave you alone. But if you keep the door locked, you're trapped with it. That's sort of how I felt keeping the memory locked in my head.

We decide to head back, we were both exhausted and the air was too thick for comfort. Zigzag still has a firm grip on my hand, as if he never wants to let go. I wonder what it feels like for him, to have someone's fingers intertwined with his. For me, it's a simple sign of caring. But what could it be like for him, a boy that has never known love or compassion?

"Wait, you didn't report that or anything?" He asks suddenly. "You said this was your first time talking about it? You never told anyone the real story?"

I bite my lip again. "No. Why would they believe me? I was in prison because I had fucked up and this guy had a job and well, wasn't in jail."

I didn't expect Zig to be so pissed. "That's fucking stupid. Who cares what a girl did or where she was? Why would anyone lie about something that serious? I can't believe-"

"Zig." I say as I hear footsteps approaching.

"-people are so stupid. It's a horrible experience and something needs to be done about it-"

This time, I see Mr. Sir and Zigzag doesn't. He won't shut up, I try to say that someone is coming, but he can't hear me as fires off. He tries to turn the corner of the building, and I do the first thing I can think of, the only thing that will stop a man in his tracks and shut him up. Using all my newly found strength, I grab him by the wrists and pin them above his head against the wall. I stand up on my toes and kiss him.

My eyes are open as I carefully watch Mr. Sir out of the corner of my eye. He glances around as if he heard something, and shakes his head, dismissing it. I can't help but notice that Zigs eyes are closed, and how gently he's kissing me. I just then realize he didn't reject my kiss at all, but was actually kissing me back as tenderly and sweetly as possible.

I hear the door of Mr. Sir's cabin swing shut, and I pull back, releasing his wrists. His eyes open slowly, and he just stares at me. No words are spoken. I suddenly have the strongest urge to kiss him again, and I have no idea why. My feet carry me a step closer, and I feel his hands take mine again. This time, he closes the gap and leans down, softly kissing me again. One hands slides around my waist, another on the back of my head.

I return the affection, placing a calloused hand on his neck and hold him steady. Next thing I know there are tongues and he's tugging at my lip with his teeth. Damn, this boy knew what he was doing. My insides are going crazy. Fireworks. I see them, I hear them, and I feel them. I've never felt this while kissing someone before. What was this? Did this mean there was something more between us than just sexual tension?

I can't remember ever really liking someone before. I mean, I've been in relationships and all, but I never felt anything. Is this what a relationship is? Are me and Zig in one without realizing it?

Relationships are messy. I decided that quite some time ago after my last boyfriend, Michael. It wasn't serious, now that I think about it. I felt about an eighth of what I felt kissing Zig when I kissed Michael. Nothing ever felt real, he'd keep his arm around me and hold my hand but he would always stare at other girls and even whistle at them. I never said anything, he wouldn't listen anyways. I eventually left him, but not because of his cheating tendencies. Michael liked to hit.

We don't say anything after we finally pull apart, which could have been forever or two seconds for all I knew. Silence as we entered the tent and fell asleep. My body won't rest, and I can't stop thinking. I knew I was feeling something for him, but did he feel anything for me? He's been out here for months without any sort of contact, how did I know he kissed me because he liked me or just because he was horny?

_No, Zig isn't like that._Alania says.

_All guys are._Alan responds.

I feel like I'm developing spilt personality disorder. The two sides of me battle it out. Alania likes to believe Zigzag is an amazing guy who cares so much for her and really did kiss her just because he couldn't hold back feelings anymore. Alan argues that any of these guys would have kissed Alania, they've been alone and girl-less for months. I fall asleep listening to them fight. They finally shut up when they realize I'm asleep, they know better than to wake me up.


	10. Laughter

Every time my shovel hits a rock, my heart jumps a little, hoping it's something interesting. I feel like crying when I see another stone. What I would give to have just _one_ day off, just one little break. Prisoners don't even have to do shit like this, they actually have it better than us. Maybe we should all strike. I remember learning about how workers went on strikes because they worked basically all day for nothing. I want to protest to get weekends off.

I glance over at Zig, hoping the sight of him will keeping me going. The last week for me has been blissful, at night anyways. Sometimes we talk and hold hands, other times we make-out, or a combination of both. I almost had forgotten what a normal kiss felt like, a soft one. Not one where the guy is so horny that he basically bites my tongue off like all my exes used to do.

Zigzag never comments on our more physical relationship. I think he doesn't know what to say. If he has feelings, he can't admit them. If he's using me, he isn't telling me. The two me's are constantly battling it out. Every time he flashes me a cute smile, Alania wins. Every time he bites his lip and stares at my mouth, Alan wins. Alania argues that he could like me both ways, but Alan is too nervous to ask.

Instead of noticing me, he's staring in another direction. I follow his gaze to see Caveman dumping his water on something. Why is he wasting his water like that?

"What you got there, Caveman?" Zig yells out. The other boys pop out of their holes and look over to Caveman. He closes his hands, shielding the small object from sight.

"Nothin', just, uh..." We all jump out of our holes and walk over. "I think I might have found something."

"Another fossil?" He asks as we approach.

"No, I'm not sure what it is." Caveman responds nervously. It was obviously something, he just didn't want to hand it over. He was probably hoping no one would notice his discovery and he could try to sneak his way into showing it to Pendanski or Mr. Sir. He failed to realize that if you're dumping precious water out, someone's outta notice.

"Let me see." Zigzag asked, but the tube went to X-Ray instead. The little golden tube was passed around.

"It looks like an old shotgun shell." I say right before I notice a little heart engraved. Squinting, I see a 'K.B'. Who could that be? Before I have to time to double check, the item is out of my hands and Magnet is looking at.

Once again, Caveman tries to hide the valubility of his find. "Yeah, that's probably what it is."

"No, it's too long and thin to be a shotgun shell." He says. I notice the small trace of his Spanish accent on the way he pronounces 'thin', putting more emphasis on the 'I' then the rest of us would.

He tries again. "It's prob'ly just a piece of junk."

"Well," X-Ray says. "I'll show it to Mom. See what he thinks. Who knows? Maybe I'll get the day off."

Caveman looks outraged. "Your hole's almost finished."

"Yeah so?" X-Ray snaps, staring him in the eye.

He swallows and shrugs, his anger melting into fear. "So, why don't you wait until tomorrow to show it to Mom? You can pretend you found it first thing in the morning. Then you can get the whole day off, instead of just an hour or so this afternoon." X-Ray nods and agrees.

That night was a kissing night for me and Zigzag. I liked how we were never too serious about it like we were after our first kiss. We often would pull away and laugh and he'd make jokes when I'd kiss his neck. Tonight, he was kissing my neck for the first time and it felt wonderful. He strategically switched between my pulses where I felt the most pressure.

"Geez, Zig, don't leave a mark. We don't need everyone thinking I'm gay." I laugh as he starts to give me a hickey. He laughs and pulls away, hovering over me.

"Is-is this okay? Me being on top of you like this?" He asks carefully.

"Yes." I respond truthfully. "You aren't holding me down or anything, I mean, I could slip under you if I wanted. But I trust you a lot more than I did the last time you were sort of controlling me. And I trust you won't hurt me, so no, I'm not scared. This is fine, I like it, actually." We kiss for a short while before I turn my head and break the kiss. "My turn to ask a question."

"If you must." Zig jokingly sighs and rolls off me, catching his breath as he lies next to me.

"Have you ever had a girlfriend? Or just any girl who liked you?"

"Kinda." He mutters. "In the tenth grade, this girl, Chetney or Courtney or something-"

"What?" I laugh. "You can't even remember her name?"

"I got a concussion right after it so I don't remember the finer details." I shut up and feel horrible for joking. This obviously wasn't a very simple story. "Anyways, she liked me, I guess, or so she said. She didn't tell anyone, though, at all. She was so embarrassed of me. I really don't think she liked me, actually, I was just the easiest guy to get. She wanted to make her ex-boyfriend jealous, and the hell she did. We were on a walk and she purposely kissed me right in front of his house. I had no idea he even existsted until he came outside and gave me a concussion."

"How come every time I ask you a simple question it turns into this long, horribly depressing story?" I laugh, trying to make him smile. I succeed and the sides of his perfect lips curl up into a smile. He holds my hand gently.

"I don't know what would have happened to me if you hadn't have come here. I_needed_you, so bad."

My heart flutters a little and I can't help but blush. Zig notices and teases me, but I only giggle and try to roll away when he attempts to attack my cheeks with kisses. We roll around on the ground until I'm laying on top of him, burying my face into the crook of his neck and closing my eyes, trying to enjoy the simple bliss of the moment.

"You know that thing Caveman found?" I say, breaking the silence. "It had initials on it. K.B."

He ponders for a moment. "Keith Baron."

"Who the hell is that?"

"He was in my math class." I laugh louder and longer than I should. I curl up into him and enjoy the soft feel oh his skin and toned muscles that cover every inch of him. His natural scent is intoxicating, he smells like new books. Although I've never read one, I have to admit I loved that smell more than I should. Our laughter dies out and I find myself getting drowsy.

"You remind me of my street name. Ashbury. It sounds like Ash berries, and you smell like raspberries." I feel his hand stroking my hair.

"Where does the 'Ash' come in?" I yawn.

"Your hair. An ashy red." I don't respond, I'm falling asleep. "Get up, Nudge, you need to go to sleep." As soon as he says that, I'm out and in dream land. A gunshot wakes me up in the middle of the night, probably Mr. Sir Lizard hunting. Zig must have carried me back to the tent, because I'm in my bed and he's fast asleep in his. I remember back to when I was seven or so and I made a list of the perfect qualities my boyfriend would have. One of them would be him carrying me when I couldn't walk for myself. At that age, I meant it literally. Now, I meant it in a more metaphorical sense. Zigzag had done both.


	11. The Warden

A/N: Hey guys! Sorry it's been so long since I've posted, but I'm letting you know I am not gonna take that long of break again. I revised the first ten chapters for spelling errors, and here's the eleventh chapter. Thanks so much for following this story!

The next morning was the hottest day I had ever lived through. A perfect day to find something interesting. Lucky X-Ray, poor us. Stanley pesters X at breakfast, trying to ask him if he has the tube, but X-Ray tells him to get away. I chuckle to myself, he doesn't want his cover blown.

Mr. Sir draws an X on the ground with his shoe and tells me to get started, spitting a sun flower seed shell in front of my feet. I glance over at Zigzag and roll my eyes. He shakes his head and smiles, plunging his shovel into the ground.

I'm in a pissed off mood. I want to find something, I was so tired of digging. We did it every single day and nothing ever changed. Same sun, same dirt, same humidity. Not to mention there was no reward at the end of the day. All we got was shitty food, scratchy cots, and deadly lizards. I even kind of miss the day that rattlesnake bit Barf Bag, at least it was something new and interesting.

My mind drifts to him. Where was he? We hadn't heard anything about him since he left. I wonder if he's okay. Maybe he's home right now, missing a foot, but still in the air conditioning and watching Saturday morning cartoons. What day of the week is it?

The water truck pulls up next to our group. I adjust my hat and hair wrap. I added a hair wrap around my hair line, so it wouldn't be so obvious that it was all pushed back. I feel like people have been noticing that I'm different lately.

Everyone watches X-Ray approach Mom, but he acts totally normal. What is this kid doing? Get the day off already! I shake my head and wait my turn.

"Mr. Pendanski!" X-Ray calls from his hole after Zero's canteen was full. "Wait! Mr. Pendanski! I think I might've found something!" We all jump out of our holes and walk over, acting like we didn't know he was going to find something.

"I think the Warden is going to like this." Mom smiled. Well, about time I see who this damn Warden is, I've only been digging for him for the past few months.

"Does X-Ray get the day off?" I ask, trying to shield my annoyed tone.

"Just keep digging until someone says otherwise." Pendanski instructs. "But if I were you, Rex, I wouldn't dig too hard."

I glance at Caveman as I walk back to my hole. He looks annoyed as he watches Mom drive back towards camp, skipping E Tents water refill. I feel bad for them, it's way too hot today to skip a water break.

The car returned almost instantly. Mom jumps out of the driver's seat with a stupid smile plastered onto his small face. The passenger door opens, and I know the Warden is among us. _She_ is. She's dressed like a cowgirl with fiery ginger hair and freckles scattered all over her visible skin.

She walks directly to X-Ray. I'm surprised. She never seems to come out of her cabin yet she knows which one of us is X-Ray. I shiver. Maybe Zig was right, she _did _have the whole place wired up. Which means she might know about me. I hide in my hole.

"This where you found it?" The Warden asks.

"Yes ma'am."

She smiled. "Your good work will be rewarded." Hey lady, I've been digging my holes for months, where's my reward? "Drive X-Ray back to camp." She instructed Pendanski. "Let him take a double shower, and give him some clean clothes." That's the reward? Never mind. "But first I want you to fill everyone's canteens!"

"I just filled them a little while ago." Pendanski smiled. The hot air suddenly turned icy as the Warden's mood drained. She turned to Pendanski, looking suddenly pissed.

"Excuse me."

"I had just filled them when Rex-"He began.

"Excuse me." She cut him off. "Did I ask you when you last filled them?" I can't help but laugh quietly along with the other guys, seeing Mom get scolded was one of the best things I've ever seen. It was about time the bastard got bitched out.

"No, but it's just-"

"Excuse me." She interrupted again. God that was getting annoyed. _Excuse me!_ "It's hot and it's only going to get hotter. Now these fine boys have been working hard. Don't you think it might be possible that they have taken a drink since you last filled their canteens?"

Yeah, Pendanski! Give me some more water!

"Caveman, will you come here please?" She asked. Cavemen walked slowly towards her, looking terrified.

"I still have plenty left." Caveman answered when the Warden asked if he had taken a drink. Something told me she wasn't going to like that answer, she didn't look like the type of lady who would easily be defeated in an argument.

"Excuse me."

"Yeah I drank some." He murmured. She asked for his canteen and she took it without hesitation. Turning to Pendanski, she shook it.

"Do you hear the empty spaces?" This woman had more sass than anyone person I've ever met. Pendanski told her he could. "Then fill it. And next time I tell you to do something, I expect you to do it without questioning my authority. If it's too much trouble for you to fill a canteen, I'll give you a shovel. You can dig the hole, and the Cavemen can fill your canteen." She turned back to an awestruck Caveman. "I don't think that would be too much trouble for you, would it?"

After our canteen were re-filled, the Warden began to poke through X-Ray's dirt with a pitchfork, looking for something else. Part of me wanted to tell her where the real hole was, but I didn't say anything. Maybe now we would figure out what we were looking for.

I knew all along we were looking for something. I mean, who decided that digging holes built character? It made boys pissed off and muscular, not exactly how you want a juvenile delinquent thrown back into society. The tube must have been not exactly what she wanted, but have some sort of connection to her goal.

But what would be buried out in a dried up lake in the middle of Texas?

The Warden instructed Pendanski to bring back three wheelbarrows after he dropped off X-Ray, and told Zero to take over X-Ray's hole. The lady seemed to quite a lot about us, even details she shouldn't know like Zero being a fast digger.

Armpit and I were told to keep digging where we were, but were given helpers. Although Zigzag was assigned Armpit, he jumped into my hole, Magnet not bothered by the switch.

"It was a lipstick tube." Zigzag mutters to me as he begins digging. "I got a better look."

"She's digging up this entire lake to find old make-up?" I asked, even more confused than I was before I know what the object was.

"This camp isn't for character building." Zig said. "Something isn't right about this place."


	12. Kissin' Kate Barlow

As I shoveled dirt, I dumped it into a wheel burrow where Zigzag carefully looked through it. What were we supposed to be looking for? I feel like I'm going to see the shine of a diamond, but I never do. I just do as I told and shovel until I can't feel my arms anymore.

The water truck remained at our site. Sometimes Pendanski made rounds, but it usually was right next to our holes, constantly filling our canteens. Having the Warden around wasn't so bad, we never ran out of water. Even though I drank a few extra canteens of water, I was still thirsty. Always.

We switched, Zig digging and I took over the wheel burrow. It was a great break; all I had to do was double check the dirt and then dump it.

"How ya doin', babe?" He asked my quietly at one point, sweat dripping from my brow.

"I'm really confused." I say, poking at the dirt. "Are you okay?"

"It's too hot today. I feel like we're gonna be out here much longer than usual."

After lunch we switched again. The holes were getting almost too deep for me to see out of. I scowl, knowing if I was digging my own hole without the Warden here, I would have been done by now. I could be lounging in front of the fans of the rec room in clean clothes.

I feel like the only reason this camp hasn't broken me yet was Zigzag. The months have been endless, and sometimes I feel my sanity and courage slipping. If you haven't spent months pretending to be someone you're not, hiding your past, and afraid to speak, you couldn't possibly know how I feel.

But that boy has kept my sane. He's someone I can be myself around of, literally. I can tell him anything without being afraid my cover will be blown. I can hold his hand and fall asleep on him without being afraid he'll hurt me. I can trust him. He's the reason I haven't ran away into the dessert yet.

When all the other campers had finished their holes, the Warden decided that we were done digging for the day. I sigh in relief; I don't know how slow diggers could stand to be out in the sun for so long. We head back to camp in a group. I hear Caveman asked how she knows our names.

"She watches us all the time." He tells him, tossing his shovel into the pile. "She's got hidden microphones and cameras all over the place. In the tents, the Wreck Room, the shower." He had an evil grin on his face. I knew that she didn't really have the place wired. If she did, I would have been busted a long time ago. She would have seen me in the shower, heard me and Zig talk at night, and seen him take off my hate in the tent so long ago.

We enter the Wreck Room, X-Ray lying on the couch, looking smug. I am suddenly filled with anger. Not only did he unfairly get the day off, we had to deal with it by digging in the wrong spot for hours longer than we should have. I know Zigzag can sense my anger, because he gently brushes his fingers along my back as he passes me. No one sees him touch me, but I Magnet notices how I smile when he passes.

I sit next to X-Ray, only to be pushed aside when Cavemen comes. What, my respect is lost just because he gives you a damn lipstick tube? I turn away from them and watch Zigzag watch the broken TV screen. I smile.

We cuddle that night, too tired to be physical with one another. My back is to his chest, and he's gently stroking my arm as we talk.

"X-Ray is abusing his leadership." I say angrily, kicking my boots off.

Zigzag laughs. "And what do you propose we do about it?"

I ponder for a moment. "Let's impeach him."

"He wasn't elected." Zig laughs. "It's just whoever is first in line. That makes you the back-up after Armpit."

"Yeah but who made him first in line?"

"Whoever was first in line before they left." He explains, running his hand down my arm and finds my hand.

"I wonder who the originally leader was, then." I think aloud, responding to his touch by turning my head. We kiss tenderly and I know we can both feel it. What is this? What's happening between us? It's defiantly more than just being together because we need love from being away from other people so long. It was more than just a physical fling. Could it be...?

"What do you think happens when we find whatever the Warden is looking for?" I ask, not really wanting to continue my thoughts. I'm afraid of what will come to mind.

"Maybe we'll go home. I don't know, maybe she'll bury something else for us to find." I notice his eyes are especially dark right now. Looking closer, I can see his pupil dilated as he looks at me. I read somewhere that your pupils dilate when you look at something you like.

I laugh. "You're saying the Warden just likes watching us play scavenger hunt?"

"I don't know what's up with her."

We are quiet for a moment. "Zig, you said she has microphones and cameras everywhere. If that's true, don't you think she'd know about me?"

"I think she does know." He answers quickly, as if he's thought about it a while ago. "She just doesn't do anything about it. You're a good digger and she'd probably get in trouble for keeping you so long. It'd be more trouble for her to expose you now." I don't say anything. "I think I know what she's looking for, it just came to me."

"What is it?"

"Have you ever heard the stories of Kissin' Kate Barlow?" He asks.

"No." I admit. "I left Texas so long ago I don't know any of the local stories."

"Well, she was a school teacher in a town that used to be here. She fell in love with a black man, and it wasn't acceptable at the time so they killed him. She became one of the biggest out laws Texas had ever seen. Every man she killed, she'd kiss them and leave a lipstick mark so people knew. That's where that lipstick tube came in. I remember you telling me it had 'K.B' on it; Kate Barlow." He explains.

"Okay, but what does that have to do with what the Warden is looking for? Her dead body?"

"She robbed banks and was crazy rich. She probably came back to the lake after she was done stealing, kind of to say good bye to the man she loved. It was dried up by then, legend has it that it didn't rain in the town since the day they killed the man. But anyways, I betcha anything she buried her treasure here."

"So, we're looking for buried treasure?" I smile.

"Not to be corny or anything," Zig whispers. "I already found my treasure." He kisses my cheek and holds me tighter. "You have no idea how happy I am to have found you."

"How come you're okay with just holding and talking to me?" I ask completely serious.

"I like you?" He asks confused. "What kind of question is that?"

"Well I mean, every guy I've ever been with isn't like you. The first thing they always tried was to sleep with me. They didn't talk to me much, or never really held me unless it was after we had slept together. I just always thought all guys were like that. And then I come to a juvenile detention facility, and find what I least expect; you. Who would have thought that someone like you could be found here?

"I don't think anyone here is bad. Most of them are guys who no one ever listened to, and they got tired of it."

A/N: Zigzag and Squid/Nudge's theme3 : watch?v=BrRxgV7nVr0


	13. Anger

The next was the same, except the Warden hovered the entire day. I dug holes while someone carried the dirt away in a wheel burrow. The only exciting part was when we switched roles. Though after lunch the Warden was losing her patience. She started barking at Pendanski and Mr. Sir to get us to work faster. We did. I feel like the Warden is one of those girls who kept a whip in her back pocket.

Once all the other groups had returned to camp, we were finally allowed to leave.

We all return to the Wreck Room and collapse, much too tired to play pool or even play cards. I thought I got sore from digging my own hole, but this was torture. I was usually able to avoid the hottest part of the day, now I had to work through it. Why couldn't other groups dig crazy holes like that? The damn lipstick tube hasn't done one good thing for me so far.

Pendanski comes in the room asking for Stanley. After a moment of both Caveman and X-Ray informing Pendanski that his name was Caveman, not Stanley, Pendanski handed over a letter. I catch a glance at the return address. The handwriting is neat and slanted, like a women's. The last name is Yelnats, just like the Caveman.

"Who's it from?" I ask although I already know. "Your _mother_?" I spit. Caveman was the only guy out of all us who got letters. The only guy who could probably say he had great parents that loved him and were always behind him. My jealously fueled me. I am about to say more, but I see Zigzag narrowing his eyes at me. I stay silent.

Caveman doesn't join us for dinner, but it goes practically unnoticed. The D-Tent boys are too deep in discussion about what they were digging for. Zigzag and I don't share the theory about Kissin' Kate Barlow, we don't want the Warden to hear us incase we're right. She might be angry if we know more than we're supposed to.

For the next week and half, we dig until we can't anymore. The entire area we dug in had become one giant hole. The Warden didn't stay out there as much with us, arriving later in the morning and leaving earlier. Her patience was slipping, and so was her good mood and favoritism of us over the adults.

"This is no bigger than it was when I left you yesterday." The Warden yells at me one day. "What have you been doing down there?"

I panic. "Nothing." She takes her anger out on Armpit, jabbing him with a pitchfork once he returns from a piss break.

When the Warden is looking, I glance around for Zigzag, knowing that if I see his face I'll feel more motivated. I see him digging by Caveman, who is putting his dirt right where Zig is digging. I see Zig look at him, with an angered expression. The sun was boiling his blood, and I knew where this was head.

Zig hits Caveman on the side of the neck with his shovel. Mr. Sir didn't seem to really give a damn that Caveman was bleeding, but I knew I was going to have something to Zig later, I couldn't let him get into any more trouble. He looked out for me and I looked out for him. When we weren't near each other sometimes we would fall back into who we used to be. By hitting Caveman, Zig had done that.

"I knew you'd be mad at me about that." Zig chuckled as we walked to our usual spot behind the dining hall.

"You remember the deal we made." I say. "I won't lie or break into any more places if you don't fight ever again."

"I know that. It's just, when you aren't with me, I forget sometimes." He explains as we sit. "Besides, I was just so mad at Caveman. If he would have stood up to X-Ray and took credit for the tube, we would have actually been digging in the right spot, and found whatever we are looking for by now."

"What do you want to do when you get out of here?" I ask abruptly.

He thinks for a moment. "Go home. I want to make things right with my mom and brother. I want to finish school and get a camera."

"What's the camera for?"

"Taking pictures." He laughs. "I just feel like it would be fun. What do you want to do?"

I didn't really expect him to ask me the same question. Whenever I thought about leaving this place, I just picture myself putting on clean clothes and taking a real shower. I never really thought about what I was going to do after. "I don't know." I respond.

"Do I still get to see you when this is all over?" He asks softly after a moment of silence. I look at him, unsure of what to say. I know I wanted to see him every day of my life, but could I? I would be going back to Boise, and he would stay in Texas. I could visit him occasionally, but I couldn't move here.

As if he can read my thoughts, he frowns and kisses me.

The next day we go back to digging our own holes, and for once, I'm happy to dig. I could leave once I was done and avoid the sun. We didn't find anything today.

That night, as I lay in my cot, I begin to think about me and Zigzag's conversation last night. Would I be okay if I could never see him again after this camp? Did I really want to go back to Boise, where no one liked me and all the cops knew me by name?

I start to wonder what it'd be like if I moved back in with my mom. Suddenly, I find myself crying. I don't know if it's because I'm thinking about my mom, being away from Zigzag, or a combination of both, but I cry. I let it all out, thinking none of the guys will hear me in their deep sleep.

Then I hear a voice. "You okay?" Caveman's voice was soft and kind, but like hell I was gonna talk to him about my feelings. Besides, what could I tell him? To him, I was Squid, not Nudge.

"Yeah. I just…." For a moment, I almost tell him. I knew I could trust Caveman, but I stopped myself. "I'm fine."

The next morning when Caveman brought it up, I threatened to break his jaw.


	14. Sunflower Seeds

Sometimes, I can see the mountains. If the air is clear of dirt and the heat haze isn't too strong, I can make out the faint outline of mountains. They're quite big, and it's obvious why they hold up all the rain. Unless those mountains somehow disappeared, it was never going to rain on the lake. For a moment, one of the mountains looked like a thumb, until the heat distorted it once more.

I can tell Magnet is up to no good when he doesn't return to his hole after the canteen is filled. Instead, he rounds to the front of the truck and disappears from sight. I think he's going to gonna hop into the car and drive away, but the vehicle remains stationary.

Not even a second after Mr. Sir drives away, I hear Magnet call out, "Anybody want some sunflower seeds?"

"Over here!" X-Ray called after Magnet had swallowed a handful. When Armpit asks how Magnet got his hands on them, he gave his usual response, his little magnet fingers. The sack was tossed to Armpit, than to me. I popped a handful and enjoyed the saltiness. Wow, real food. I almost forget what it tasted like. I can't remember the last time I actually knew what I was eating. After I eat a few handfuls, I toss it to Zigzag. After his turn, it heads toward Caveman. Shit goes down.

The seeds spill everywhere. Well there goes our decent food. But that isn't the bad part.

"The truck's coming!" Zigzag warns to everyone. We all go back to casually digging as Caveman desperately tries to hide the seeds. Scooping dirt back into his hole was probably the dumbest thing to do. Not only was he working backwards, it made the presence of the seeds in his hole much more obvious.

As Mr. Sir exits the vehicle, the other guys joke about his return and try to act not guilty. I knew right away Caveman was in trouble, and he was probably the most innocent one here. I don't know about the other guys, but I know that boy didn't steal anything. He was too pure. I might be one of the few people out there that believe the kid.

"Well what do you know Caveman? It looks like you found something." Mr. Sir says as he looks into Caveman's hole. "Dig it out, we'll take it to the Warden. Maybe you'll get the rest of the day off."

"It's not anything." Caveman responded, picking up the empty sack.

"So tell me Caveman. How did my sack of sunflower seeds get in your hole?" Magnet holds his breath, along with the other guys who ate some. I don't though; I know his answer before he even gives it.

"I stole it from your truck." He responds. After a few more questions, mostly about how Caveman ate all the seeds by himself, and a few jokes from the other guys about not sharing the seeds, Caveman is taken into the truck and driven back to camp. To the Warden he goes.

Magnet swallows. "What do you think she's gonna do to him?"

"Make him dig double holes, probably." Armpit responds.

"I don't think she's gonna do anything." I say. "Do you think the Warden gives a damn if we steal or not? She doesn't care if we're building character or not, she just wants whatever we're digging for."

After a few moments, Zero hops out of his hole and walks over to Caveman's. Sometimes, I forget Zero is even there. He doesn't talk or interact with us at all. He hops into the hole and begins to shovel dirt and seeds out of Caveman's hole. None of us say anything, but we all continue to dig our own holes. After Caveman's hole is almost done, Zero exits and returns to his own.

"Hey Caveman!" Armpit yells when he returned. "You're still alive."

"What'd the Warden say?" X-Ray joins in.

"What'd you tell her?" Magnet asks nervously.

"I told her I stole the seeds."

"What'd she do?" Asks Zigzag.

"Nothing." He shrugs. "She got mad at Mr. Sir for bothering her. Hey," He looked down at his almost finished hole. "Thanks guys!"

We just shook our heads and let Caveman figure out for himself who dug it. Zero said nothing, as usual.

"He's a mole." Zigzag jokes about Zero. "I think he eats the dirt."

"Moles don't eat dirt." X-Ray points out. "Worms do."

"Hey Zero? Are you a mole or a worm?" I joke, trying to get the kid to talk. He says nothing but continues to dig. I wish he would say something. I want to know if he's being insulted or just doesn't think my joke is funny.

After we dig, I head over to a private corner in the Wreck Room. From my pocket, I pull out a crumpled piece of paper and pencil I swiped from Caveman. I stare long and hard and the paper, trying to form words in my head. What do I write?

_Dear Mom, _

I don't know why, but after Caveman took the blame for the seeds I thought of my mother. It's just a thing when parents do. When you're in the store and you knock something over and piss off the employees, parents take the blame for their kids. Just like how Caveman took the blame for us.

What do I tell her? It had been so long since I've talked to her. Do I mention where I am and the situation? Or do I just tell her that I really don't hate her and everything I said before I left came from a young, dumb, and immature child? After staring at the paper for a good ten minutes, I erase the _Dear Mom _and start a new letter.

_Dear Suzy,_

_I'm sorry it's been a while since I've written, but things are tough around here. Don't be concerned though, I'm perfectly fine. In fact, I fit in pretty well here. You'd be surprised how liked I am. Nothing like Boise. You'd have to see the place and its system for you to understand, so I'm not gonna waste my lead explaining. Long story short; I'm doing okay. I kinda like it here sometimes. Digging holes suck, but I have a family sort of. Is everything okay up there? Probably a lot easier now that you don't have to deal with me getting into trouble all the time, right? I bet it's pretty boring though._

_Alan_

When the guys aren't looking, I slip it into the mailbox. They may think Suzy is my girlfriend, but I still don't want them seeing what I wrote. Although we all know how much of a family we are, we'd never admit it to anyone or even ourselves. Too soft and weak for a bunch of juvenile delinquents.


	15. Learning to Read

The next morning at breakfast, Mr. Sir's face has three long gashes on the side and has swollen a tremendous amount. Something tells me it's connected to Caveman being taken to the Warden yesterday, but I won't find out. Every boy notices, but most of us know better than to ask what happened, except for one who asks and gets thrown over by Mr. Sir.

My suspicions are confirmed when Mr. Sir doesn't fill Caveman's canteen, letting the water run onto the ground rather than into his canteen. I want to share some of my water, but I usually find myself out of water by the time I remember it would probably be nice to share.

That day, Zero began to help Caveman dig his holes. Yes, it pissed me off, but I kept my mouth, unlike the other guys. They made slavery and 'Caveman is the King' jokes. At one point, when the sun is the highest and my hands are bleeding from splinters, I almost make a snarky comment towards Caveman. X-Ray beats me to it.

"Must be nice to have your own personal slave." He says angrily.

"It isn't slavery." Caveman argues. "I'm teaching him to read."

I am suddenly reminded of Beth. In the seventh grade, I had a fourth grade reading level. I was only able to pass English class because she taught me better reading techniques than my teachers had ever taught me. She taught me a bunch of tricks to pick up context clues and look behind meanings. She helped me with my fluency and pronunciation of tricky words. Because of her, I passed English with an eleventh grade reading level.

So when Caveman announces that he's teaching Zero to read, I don't say anything. I may still hate the fact that Caveman gets help, but I have to respect someone who's willing to help out a friend in need.

"You really miss Beth, don't you?" Zigzag asks after I tell him this story behind the dining hall.

"Yeah." I say, looking down. "Yeah I do."

"So if she was such a great friend why did you, uh…" He searches for the right word.

"Ditch her?" I finish his sentence. He nods. "Same reason I ran away from my mom. She cared too much. I know it was stupid to leave the only people that gave a damn about me, but _I _was stupid then."

Zigzag smiled and kissed her forehead. "It may sound weird, but I'm really proud of you."

"For what?" I laugh. It was such an adult thing to say, it wasn't something you typically heard from your boyfriend or whatever Zigzag was to me.

"Realizing that you made a mistake. Most people can't do that."

I shrug. "I guess I'm not like most people."

"You aren't." He smiles. We are silent for a moment, enjoying the beautiful evening sky before he swallows and begins to talk again. "And I think that's why I lo-" But before he could continue, a voice cut him off.

"Who's out there?" Mr. Sir. Shit.

We don't need to talk; Zig and I had already discussed what to do in a situation like this. We fly up, and he grabs my waists and pushes me up. My fingers find the ledge of the building and I easily hoist myself up. Pulling Zigzag up after me is a fairly easy with all the muscle I have obtained from digging. We lay flat and hold our breath.

I hear footsteps right under us and know Mr. Sir is standing where we just were. I have a mini-panic wondering if he saw us get up. But he says nothing more as he walks away, and I sigh in relief. I turn to see Zig smiling and realize I am, too. We're _enjoying_ the thrill of almost getting caught. That's new.

Something suddenly strikes me. What did Zigzag say before Mr. Sir came around? Well, what was he _about_ to say? _No, don't get your hopes up. He was probably gonna say love spending time or talking to you. He doesn't love you. _The voice at the back of head screams this. Too afraid to ask, we're silent as we slip down and cautiously make our way back to D-Tent.

Zigzag gets back into bed right away, but I'm distracted by a slip of paper on the floor. The word _Zero_ is written about ten times all over it in slopping handwriting. Once at the end, _Hector _is written twice, once in neat writing which I know is probably Caveman's, and another time in sloppy writing. Hector? Was that Zero's real name?

My head can't take any more questions, so I set the paper in Zero's things and crawl into bed. I dream that Caveman digs up a treasure chest full of diamonds and the Warden sends us home. When I get home, Suzy doesn't open the front door. Instead, Walter Stems does. He smiles and says "Welcome home, Sweetheart."

I wake up covered in sweat and violently shaking.

"Damn Squid, are you alright?" A voice says.

I turn sharply to see Magnet sitting in his bed, looking at me with concerned eyes. Right then and there, I know that he knows that I am girl. I can see it in his eyes; I can hear it in his voice. But I don't acknowledge this; instead, I answer his question.

"Bad dream." I mutter.

"You screamed." He says.

"Did I?" I rub my eyes and turn my back to him. I wasn't trying to be rude, but I was tired and needed sleep. Magnet doesn't reply, but I don't hear him shift and I know he is still looking at me, trying to figure out if his assumptions are right. If I scream in my sleep, I probably talk too, in my girl voice. I wonder if any of the other guys know. I'm too tired to care.

Whenever it rained behind the mountains, the lake got unbelievably humid. Sweat drenched my body and face as I dug the next day. I would have thought it was raining if my sweat wasn't so hot. You think you've ever been sweaty? Ha-ha, no. No one knows sweat and heat like us campers. You can dig in your backyard all you want but you will _never _know what it was like to be one of us.

"C'mon rain!" Armpit shouts as we hear thunder from across the barren wasteland. "Blow this way!"

"Maybe it'll rain so hard it will fill up the whole lake. We can go swimming." I share every camper's fantasy.

"Forty days and forty nights." X-Ray smiles. "Guess we better start building us an ark." Yes please, that sounds a lot more fun than digging. "Get two of each animal, right?" I never read the bible, went to church, went to Sunday school, or even acknowledged a higher power before, but I knew the story of Noah's Ark. Even without the whole God thing thrown in there, it was still a good kid story.

"Right. Two rattlesnakes. Two scorpions. Two yellow-spotted lizards." Zigzag jokes. _Two humans,_ I mentally add. One girl and one boy. Looks like the Warden and I would have to duke it out to snatch up the female spot. For a moment I imagine every single boy in camp having a huge battle to decide who gets to go on the ark with me and the desert creatures and I laugh.

I look over at Zigzag, whose hair had grown ever wilder with the humidity. If I had to be stuck on an ark with someone for forty days and forty nights, he'd be the only person I wouldn't throw overboard by the third night.

A/N: I know I posted Zigzag and Alania's theme in the last chapter, but I found a much better one. It's called Secunda from the Skyrim soundtrack(: Look it up! 


	16. Fighting

As the horn wakes us up the next morning, Zigzag announces that it's his birthday and he gets to sleep in. The other guys ignore him and head to breakfast, but I know if he doesn't get up the Warden will kick his ass. I push him out of his bed and tell him to get his lazy ass us up.

"Oh c'mon, babe." He says, rolling onto his back. "I'm eighteen now, a legal adult, I should be able to sleep in."

I roll my eyes. "Do you really want your face to look like Mr. Sir's?" He sighs and shakes his head. "Right, get up. I'm doing this for your own good." I shoot him a wink and then head to the dining hall.

The breakfast line is super long, a drawback of sleeping in at Green Lake. Zigzag arrives after I've been in line for five minutes and cuts in front of me, using his birthday as an excuse. I can tell he's just messing with me, but I still push him behind me playfully. Mr. Sir even gives him an extra carton of juice when he asks.

According to Zig, it's July 8th. I'm not sure how he's been keeping track, I lost count months ago. I stopped caring. Here, there was no time, just shovels and dirt. The idea of leaving here and going home seemed to be farther away with each passing day as my old life was forgotten. Being a slave to the greedy Warden was my life now. I am Alan.

We start digging as the sun rises. The heat burns into the sand, and throws the warmth back in to my face. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Caveman sitting as Zero digs. He's taking a break. At this moment, I feel Alan take over. Why does he need energy to teach Zero how to read? Is it really that exhausting to the point where he gets to sit and relax as I work my ass off?

"Hey, Caveman, you should get a whip. Then if your slave doesn't dig fast enough, you can crack it across his back." Zigzag calls out.

"He's not my slave. We have a deal, that's all." Caveman defends himself. Ha, what a fair deal you have. Make the poor kid break his back and hands bleed so he can learn what a few letters sound like every day? I bet this is the nicest anyone has ever been to Zero, and it's the only reason he agreed to such an unfair deal. I almost hate Caveman right now.

As if he's reading my mind, Zigzag responds "A good deal for you."

Caveman informs us that it was Zero's idea, like that changes anything.

"Don't you know Zig?" X-Ray says, climbing out of his hole to come over to where we are. "Caveman's doing Zero a big favor. Zero likes to dig holes."

I join in. "He sure is a nice guy to let Zero dig his hole for him."

The other guys start offering to dig Caveman's hole for him. Although we are all smiling, the tension between us all is obvious. I think the air is growing hotter as our anger all rises. Caveman's smile is shaking, ours are twisted.

When the water truck comes, Zigzag offers Caveman his place in line, "Since you're so much better than me." He adds.

I realize something. Caveman _was _better than us. We were all kids who screwed up our lives because we were too dumb and cocky to know right from wrong. Caveman was just in the wrong place at the wrong time, I believed that he was innocent; he just isn't one of us. And my hate for him burns through me. Every time I see him, I'm reminded of how much of a failure I am, how worthless I am. My blood boils.

"Hey, I'm gonna go offer Caveman my cookie if he lets me dig his hole for him." Zigzag says to me as I grab my lunch. We walk over together and I laugh as he makes the offer.

Soon, the teasing turns into a push.

"Don't push me!" Zig says, pushing him back. Oh shit.

"_Don't."_ I hiss to Zig, my voice barely audible. But he doesn't listen to me, and when Caveman tries to walk away, Zig pulls him back in by repeating himself.

"Lay off." Armpit says as the rest of the guys come over to see what the commotion is.

"Why should he?" X-Ray snaps, wanting them to fight. "Caveman's bigger. He can take care of himself." It was try, Caveman was taller and had broader shoulders.

"I don't want any trouble." Says the innocent one.

"Eat my cookie." Zigzag says after pushing him harder than before.

Then Mom shows up, and doesn't even try to stop them. In fact, he encourages Caveman to hit Zig. Okay, this dude is definitely _not _a doctor. "Teach the bully a lesson."

"Teach me a lesson." Zigzag challenges.

Caveman attempts at a punch, and then he's down. Zigzag is on him, releasing the anger that's been building inside of him since he arrived at the camp. Caveman's safety doesn't even cross my mind, I'm too concerned about Zigzag. What is the Warden going to do to him? What if she hurt him? I would kill her if she touched Zigzag.

"_Ricky!"_ I yell, my voice lost by the chants of the others. I've never called him by his real name, but I've never been this scared.

"That's enough!" Mom yells, but Zig keeps going. Next thing I know, Zero's hands are around Zigzags neck. Although small, Zero is strong and Zig can't get him off. My heart stops at the thought of Zigzag dying. I lunge for them, but Armpit beats me and charges into them like a rhino.

I get the mess of boys and grab Zero by the collar, throwing him away from Zigzag. I lunge for the small boy, but I stop at the sound of a pistol firing. We all freeze and turn to see Mom with his gun aimed at the sky. I don't know what I was planning to do to Zero, but I know he's lucky I stopped.


End file.
